<![CDATA[MUD TO MAJESTY - BLOG]]>Wed, 04 May 2022 05:42:31 -0400Weebly<![CDATA[Mud to Majesty March Newsletter: The Spring Energy of Revolution]]>Thu, 31 Mar 2022 01:38:50 GMThttp://riseupnow.net/blog/mud-to-majesty-march-newsletter-the-spring-energy-of-revolution
Hello Everyone!

First off, I have news. You’ll find all the links below. I will be speaking at the virtual I AM WellMiss Experiential Summit on Saturday, April 2nd, 2022 from 1 - 5pm EST! It is designed specifically for women, and is a queer and genderqueer safe space. I have dreamed about a platform like this, where our sacred vulnerability is treated like the courageous and woke act it is, where we can have support demystifying trauma, and what it means to be strong and successful in this world. Also, I am currently accepting new clients. In case you’ve been wondering what exactly Health and Wellness Coaching is, I go into detail below. I’m offering a seasonal discount if you respond directly to this newsletter. Lastly, i’ve published a new blog about awakenings in my own healing journey. It’s certainly influenced by being in school with Dr. Gabor Mate, a world leader in helping us turn towards our emotional pain as the way forward in healing. Deeper still, this blog reflects my own inner knowing. It’s the inner knowing I have denied and returned to many times as I learn how to embrace - what is happening now - as the way home to myself.

And for You, dear traveler on your hero’s journey home,

May Spring bring healing to you. Spring is the beloved transformer. It calls out the sleeping parts in us. New life breaks through the dead layers, what’s outdated, what’s not serving anymore. It can bring loss, sudden endings and beginnings. It can feel like internal conflict, heightened emotions, aggression and restlessness! And on a planetary level, I know you’re feeling the world’s pain. Our mother is in anguish. Our brothers and sisters are in danger. This is devastating. It is happening everywhere. We all feel it and are affected by it. I seek refuge in my hope.

I believe in the revolution of love. We each contribute to this revolution by doing our own inner work. I believe in each of our capacities to heal and grow. I also believe there is nothing more important a human can do than to heal. It’s to face our broken places, feel our pain and our inherent value. It’s to give ourselves the love we always needed. Every single time we do this it matters, for ourselves and for others. 

I offer you this. Focus on your victories of truly caring for yourself, no matter how small those moments seem. 5 minutes of loving, self attention can transform an entire day of hell. The healing vibration you give to yourself is medicine for the whole world. Each and every loving moment adds to the New Paradigm of wellbeing. We are building this Paradigm together. May we all make and receive this medicine now, and when we need it most. I’m with you in this, shoulder to shoulder. 

May you get just what you need this Spring. Trust your gut instincts. Invite in the change you soul is calling for. Revel in the self care you need and deserve right now. No more somedays. It’s your turn now, please take it. I will do the same. No more apologies. No more agreements that hurt us. It’s our time to heal for ourselves, for our parents and grandparents, for our loved ones, world community, for our children and their children. REVOLT. Love is revolution and Spring calls us home. 

<3 Your Loyal Knight


​Interested in Coaching? 
Now is the time. Learn more by reading below or click here! 

Spring Offer 
$200 off Program or First Weekly Coaching Session Free


Choosing to work with me is making your wellbeing the priority. 
This is why people hire a Health and Wellness Coach. It is making a commitment to identify and meet your core needs and getting the support to follow through, be successful and THRIVE, the way you deserve.

People come to me with many different main concerns.
It is whatever affects your health and wellness. You may want to look at relationships, or unhealthy relationship dynamics, (I have an unofficial PHD in healing from from narcissists and energy vampires. It is a game changer to learn how to be on the other side of this for good!) an unhappy job or work life balance, chronic illness or burn out. You may want to access your inner knowing, follow a call to creativity, purpose, entrepreneurship, etc, to improve your health, energy, clarity or emotional state. You may be ready to love and value yourself more. 

Who I work with
I always say ‘my clients pick me, not the other way around’. They usually just know. If you resonate with me and want to reach out, please do so. Most of my clients identify as being spiritually inclined, sensitive, empathic and concerned for others. These super powers bring their own challenges that I am uniquely qualified to support you in. 

What can you receive from Health and Wellness Coaching? 
  • Create your health and wellness vision through self-discovery, self-love, feeling emotions, tuning into your inner-healer, relaxation techniques, and goal setting.
  • Discover your unmet needs that call for your love and attention. 
  • Take meaningful, incremental steps forward, learning how to coach yourself.
  • Experience being the expert and CEO of your life. Inviting in supportive roles as needed, while embracing your inner guidance as the ultimate authority.
  • Receive empathic and attuned listening, support, safe space and accountability. 

*Unlike therapy, coaching is focused on positive forward momentum towards your wellness vision. Coaching and therapy are both great options to add to your integrative practitioner dream team. We all deserve a dream team! 
LEARN MORE


​"As my Health Coach, Erin has shown more compassion, intelligence, and integrity than I can express in a few sentences. They have created a space for me to learn a new approach to my physical and mental health. With their professional support and guidance, I have found new paths to my own truths." -E.M.

My Latest Blog

Two Wings: How Not Feeling My Pain
​Kept Me Flightless

“We Shall All Be Saved In an Ocean Of Tears.”
Gordon Neufeld
I got stuck on the ground. I was in my way but did not understand how. I was trying to get back to being in the flow, magic and manifestation. I had lived in true happiness for years. Unbeknownst to me were the major differences between then and now, and there never really is a ‘going back.’ 
READ MORE
REGISTER NOW!
Erin Dolan, NBC-HWC
National Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach
Certified Integrative Health Coach 
& Aka Your Loyal Knight

Why do I call myself Your Loyal Knight? 
Because you are SOVEREIGN, the one true expert of your life, ROYAL. <3 

MUD TO MAJESTY
Health and Wellness Coaching 
for the New Paradigm

207-295-6768
Erin@mudtomajesty.com
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<![CDATA[Two Wings: How Not Feeling My Pain Kept Me Flightless]]>Fri, 25 Feb 2022 18:33:06 GMThttp://riseupnow.net/blog/two-wings-how-not-feeling-my-pain-kept-me-flightless
We Shall All Be Saved
​In an Ocean Of Tears

Gordon Neufeld

Erin Dolan, NBC-HWC

National Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach, Certified Integrative Health Coach & AKA Your Loyal Knight

MUD TO MAJESTY
Coaching for
the New Paradigm
​​

Categories

All

I got stuck on the ground. I was in my way but did not understand how. I was trying to get back to being in the flow, magic and manifestation. I had lived in true happiness for years.  Unbeknownst to me were the major differences between then and now, and there never really is a  ‘going back.’ 

In my twenties I had a handful of magical years. I tapped into the power of manifestation, participated in personal development seminars, became an Integrative Health Coach, reveled in inspiring community with sisterhood, art, nature, and a safe home!  I came to understand I could create things. I learned how to take responsibility for my experience, waking up from the ‘life is happening to me’ victim mindset for the first time. The more I tapped into what I really wanted, what lit me up with joy and excitement, the more easily it was to align with those visions. It did not feel like work, all the actions it took to make my dreams happen. I had a youthful innocence. I was not awake to the level of childhood trauma that would eventually have to come out and be addressed. I had not yet attracted heartbreaking adult experiences from that trauma body; to mirror the pain of my childhood. 

As I have shared in earlier blogs, my late twenties started my dark night. A series of traumatic events broke me. Everyone has trauma, some quite unthinkable, some so unconscious we are not even aware it was trauma. But one thing is for sure, trauma affects each of us differently. Not everyone gets lost and derailed. I had to love and forgive myself that I did, and accept coming back would be a journey. 

In the broken years, and on my way back from them, I had a 'shadow career' in the restaurant industry. While unofficially it involved some of my deepest skills and core values, it was not the most healthy environment for me. I kept my dream of returning to Health and Wellness Coaching alive through part-time work, staying in touch with my school and more than anything, believing I would circle back to my dreams of making a difference the way my heart longed for; through coaching, speaking and writing. 

Sometimes, when we are terrified of embracing our true calling, we’ll pursue a shadow calling instead. That shadow career is a metaphor for our real career.
Steven Pressfield


I was rose-colored when I left my last restaurant job, that I would jump back into the healing waters of my happy twenties, following my bliss right through every setback, making my vision board come to life a second time. Hec, I had done it before! And I am grateful  to say that since I relaunched, I've had consistent, meaningful work with clients. But in terms of how hard it was going to be to get back into 'manifestation mode', boy was I naive!  Something significant happened between my first flight into my dream vs. my second. I broke a wing. And flapping the broken wing in vain to just will my dream, desire it, manifest it, get excited about it (DAMMIT!), caused more harm than good. But I could not acknowledge or see the broken wing, or what it represented, let alone listen to it. It was in the way. The harder I tried to bypass it and fly anyways, the more I was actually 'efforting,' disconnected from and injuring myself. 

In all my glorious stubbornness, I tried harder. I learned more about what it actually takes to be an entrepreneur, and rolled up my sleeves. I sweat. I was no-nonsense. I strategized and when that didn’t work, I re-strategized. In response, my body shut down more, my health waned…. a resistance inside me escalated that I distrustfully accused of being self-sabotage. ‘I am not trying hard enough!’ Well, this approach wasn’t the magic I used to know. I felt like magic had left me. I tried everything to woo her back. This coming back to my dream was feeling more like a complicated mess, stalled out, stuck, heavy, forced. Would I ever feel magic again? 

As the universe so wisely brings us treasure in the places we suffer, (those wounds can be the very map to our healing and redemption if we let them), when I no longer felt capable or good about braking myself through walls as a strategy to move forward, I tried something else. I started to listen. I let myself see this broken wing. Focusing exclusively on magic and feeling good, or sheer entrepreneurial willpower, was insulting and cruel to this fractured wound. 

I started to make this wing my priority. I stopped saying ‘you should be healed by now.’ Instead I let go. Then I reached for control. And then I let go. Repeat cycle. Again, again and again. It became a practice to let go and listen to my pain, turning towards it instead of away.  It felt messy and unnerving, but it was better than body slamming through walls. Healers showed up instead of business connections. School showed up instead of teaching workshops. Grace had never left me, but the flow had entirely different plans than I 'thought' I had for myself. As always, Grace’s plan for me was infinitely more loving than mine, in this case my limited human demand of ‘returning to my old life or bust.’ 

Grace wanted me to heal. She wanted me to get to be a full human who matters right now, in my brokenness as much as wholeness. One who gets to take up space feeling what I never felt safe to feel. Grace filled me with healing and training opportunities I could not think to ask for in my limited Taurean-4-locked-hooves, stubborn approach. (Like astrology? Short lesson is Taurus = stubborn). New classmates enliven me with their courage to feel through their own wounds. In the safety and community of letting ourselves be real about what's hard, I release this store of stagnant energy every single time I give it a voice. 

Sacred Vulnerability is the biggest strength I know. 

The more I acknowledge and experience my broken wing, the more space I make inside where before was all that buried, unconscious pain. And don’t get me wrong, I have been ‘healing’ for years! But  love knows all. Over-intellectualizing or exploring my narrative, trying to ‘fix’ myself, even excessive spiritual practice, is not the same as FEELING. I am unlearning spiritual, emotional and physical bypass. I am being with my feelings as they come to be released. This makes space again. It feels like the  space I had in my youth to dream before I filled it up with the self protection of shattered trust.

In this space positive expectancy is a natural outcome. It's not forced and faked through the one dimensional laws of manifestation I clung to in my past. I am not resisting my pain. It moves like a river in me. A river is life, it brings me to hope and joy as naturally as sadness, anger and fear. I don’t have to fight the negativity anymore. I don’t have to treat any one part of myself as ‘in the way’. My authentic experience is the way. I am learning how to let go and surrender to this river.

My broken wing will heal in her time. It's not when I am yelling to hurry up, that is self abuse. I apologize for trying to leave her in the shadows. Her pain is the very path to my wholeness. She is my wholeness. And finally, stubborn horns pulled out from the walls of my recent past, I let my Higher Self reorder how my journey unfolds. I throw the outdated need to control, hustle, or try to be good enough away.

Spirit has been right here all along. This is my miraculous path, it's what is actually happening.  It leads to full recovery and wellbeing, as I stop wrestling, denying my feelings or thinking the plans in my head are far superior. Grace never stopped coming for me. I am just done blocking it. 


Love never stopped helping me with the easiest path back to itself.

I can say wholeheartedly, the foundation dreams are built on is a many factored thing. And yes, I still believe in the power of manifestation, a positive mindset and exalted emotions. But without the other wing, that focus can do more harm than good. For me, I affectionally call the balance I needed to restore, Two Wings. I need all of me, including the broken, forsaken, grieving and despaired, in order to come back to life and fly. I need to be with the full weight of my heartbreak. In the wake of resistance towards my pain, light and spaciousness can enter. I receive the FEELING of loving myself (and therefore others, life and my dreams) FULLY. 

Let's love with every feather, feeling and prayer.

I’ll see you on the way home, 
Love Erin 
Picture
Hummingbird stands for renewal -Ted Andrews
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<![CDATA[Mud to Majesty January Newsletter: Rebirth Starts in the Dark]]>Mon, 31 Jan 2022 17:14:04 GMThttp://riseupnow.net/blog/mud-to-majesty-january-newsletter-rebirth-starts-in-the-dark

My Winter Musings About Healing, Slowing Down, and Appreciating How Far We’ve Come

Author

ERIN DOLAN, NBC-HWC National Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach, Certified Integrative Health Coach & AKA Your Loyal Knight

MUD TO MAJESTY
Coaching for
the New Paradigm

Categories

All

Dear Everyone,
Can you believe it’s almost February? I hope you and yours are warm and safe. I offer you a blanket of wellbeing as a prayer, sent out on the howling winds of our year’s first blizzard. May you feel cozy and protected, may you have and take the time and space to meet your needs, and feel love for yourself. May you appreciate yourself right where you are (and right where you are NOT), unconditionally, the way you deserve. For we all need love, not to be ‘fixed.’ <3

I have an odd confession to make. Winter is my favorite. Sure, the lack of warmth, sun and access to the world (for much bigger reasons than winter alone,) challenges and affects me too. But I find the stillness, quiet and overwhelming beauty to be a relief for my highly sensitive nature. Having an entire season beckon me to go within is a happy (if not easy) invitation! Hibernation is biological after all, even if our society does not respect slowing down. Our bodies do. Boy will my body force me to stop if I push too hard. I learned that lesson the hard way at first. But slowing down has become a core value over the years. ‘Less is more’. It’s been healing to be present to what is actually happening, instead of fighting it or planning the next moment. This includes accepting my emotions and physicality. It’s been healing to release resistance and denial, one moment at a time.

Being present allows me to receive. The flicker of a solitary candle in the dusk, a small rose bush in bloom on my counter, the hums of white noise in my home, the smell of sage and essential oils I love so much. It’s the precious little things these days. It’s the gratitude of being loved and cared for by others and the honor of others allowing me to love and care for them. Perhaps most awe inspiring of all, in glimpses of awareness like the sun breaking through clouds, I realize I am held by the universe. I can actually feel being held beyond what I can comprehend. I forget again still. But then I remember. ;-) 

For anyone committed to self growth and healing, you know it can be one step forward and two steps back, sometimes. It can be crazy-making, ‘I thought I already did this’, ‘not this lesson again!’ exasperated at blank soil where I was sure I toiled and labored, planting many new seeds in the ground. Is anything working? It can be easy, especially for those highly sensitive, ambitious and god forbid perfectionistic, (I don’t know anything about that) to not see how far we’ve come, to not give ourselves credit for the smallest victories. It’s the daily choices that transform our lives over time. It’s the baby step you took today that you could not take yesterday.

When is the last time you truly stepped back and acknowledged how far you’ve come?
Or at the very least, acknowledged your wins today? 
I see you in your garden daily, we all want healing change.
​I see you bringing more love and growth to your life, one seed at a time.


My ability to feel safe in the present moment, safe in my body, and connected to a benevolent universe was not something that happened overnight! It’s still a daily commitment to grow and heal. I get down on my knees in the dirt. But when I think back to where I was five or ten years ago, I have a whole universe to be grateful for. And, I should be grateful for myself. I did not let fear, darkness, or trauma keep me prisoner. I did not let others tell me ‘it’s not possible.’ I kept my dreams alive. Some are still seeds in the earth, but my dreaming heart beats inside of them, undeterred (even when I am!) I am more free than I could’ve imagined all those years ago. And I have plenty more freedom to fight for. <3

Thank you for reading my newsletter and for following my work. It means a lot to me. Every person who has tuned in, I appreciate you deeply. I hope that I can be a source of support, and a mirror to your beauty, your worth, and your sacred journey. I believe from the bottom of my heart, we are all so wise and needed, each in our authentic self. This winter I wish for you a chance to slow down, to appreciate how you really feel about things, to receive as best you can in the moment, and to give yourself credit for every new seed you plant.

See how far you’ve come. You deserve to revel in your courage and perseverance. You deserve credit for showing up every day in the desire to heal and grow. That takes something extraordinary. We can each and everyone of us, write a book. You know what you have been through. You know how much it took and still takes. And here you are. I bow to you brothers and sisters.
​With you in this,
​Erin

​Erin Dolan, NBC-HWC, National Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach
Certified Integrative Health Coach & AKA Your Loyal Knight

Why do I call myself Your Loyal Knight?
Because you dear, are SOVEREIGN and the one true expert of your life. <3


MUD TO MAJESTY
Coaching for the New Paradigm

207-295-6768
erin@mudtomajesty.com
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<![CDATA[Are you a Wayshower?]]>Thu, 13 Jan 2022 20:21:08 GMThttp://riseupnow.net/blog/are-you-a-wayshower

​What It Means to be a Guide and How I can Help 

Author

ERIN DOLAN, NBC-HWC
National Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach, Integrative Health Coach &
AKA Your Loyal Knight


MUD TO MAJESTY
Coaching for
the New Paradigm

Archives

January 2022
December 2021
November 2021
September 2021
August 2021
March 2021

There is a massive shift taking place in human consciousness. We are creating the New Paradigm together. I Know it's my calling to assist humanity during this transformation. Many of us are called! I call us wayshowers or guides. We are being asked to live from our heart and spirit.  This is how we show-the-way. It's not by having the answers, because in the New Paradigm  we are all sovereign. There are many paths to Spirit.  We each know our own way home. We show-the-way by being our true self and embodying love. It's by caring for ourselves and doing our inner work, so we are aligned with love. Our alignment in love helps others align more easily.   

It takes courage to let go of the old paradigm of fear, lack, and 'reason'. We are tapping into a deeper, personal, more profound sense of truth. If you are a wayshower you know what I am talking about. You have always known. You may not have always trusted or believed it, but you have always felt the truth inside you. I see you here. 

You, the conscious and kindhearted (you go by many names), were born with open hearts, deep sensitivity, empathy, creativity, and brilliant minds. You were born with ALL the lights on! And I know all too well that is not easy in this world. 

Some signs of being a wayshower: You have suffered deeply. You have a Phoenix soul and are meant to rise, maybe many times over! You have a wisdom to offer that's well beyond your years on earth. You emanate a healing energy even in your darkest hour. The status quo doesn't work for you. You can't tolerate being out of alignment with your inner guidance. You can't stand negative, fear-based systems, structures, relationships, or commitments. You may lose your ability to function, such as becoming sick or depressed, if you stay out of alignment too long. Because your Spirit won't let you continue at the expense of your heart and soul.


You feel the devastating weight
of what's NOT right for you
in every cell of your being


My calling is to help wayshowers trust your inner knowing. I help validate your pain and how crazy-making the paradigm shift is. It is not easy to be a Phoenix soul! I help you get in touch with what is calling you. We focus on your inherent gifts, longings, wisdom, intuition, and your other unique and awesome wayshower superpowers. Your true abilities are your life blood. They are designed to bring you back to life. I can help you open up to who you really are, for your sake. You deserve the health, energy, wellbeing, PEACE, and JOY of being fully aligned with love. If you are interested in working with me check out my coaching page. 

You are here to LEAD. You came here for a reason. We need your open heart and soul to set an example. Your peace will help everyone around you. You uplift them with your energy when you are focused on your healing. You radiate love. Your love is a vibration and frequency that is desperately needed. 

When you answer the call of your true purpose you help all of us. Nobody else can do you or be you. We need you to give your unique gifts to this world. We need you to be well. You matter. Your wellbeing matters.  
Love is the Revolution. This is how we show-the-way. 

​Take your place like a star in the sky,
sky not complete without your light.  
Help all the stars around you,
radiate and end this night. 

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<![CDATA[Mud to Majesty December Newsletter]]>Sat, 18 Dec 2021 18:17:31 GMThttp://riseupnow.net/blog/mud-to-majesty-december-newsletter

The Quickening, Holiday Offer, Sensitives, & a Dream Come True; Training With Dr. Gabor Mate 

Hello Everyone! 

Author

ERIN DOLAN, NBC-HWC
National Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach, Integrative Health Coach &
AKA Your Loyal Knight


MUD TO MAJESTY
Coaching for
the New Paradigm
 

Archives

December 2021
November 2021
September 2021
August 2021
March 2021

I am here with you this December! May you have a blessed Winter Solstice, Holiday and New Years. We made it through 2021, a whole new frontier. I hope each of you is ok and well. I am sending you peace, still moments, and acceptance of your beautiful heart and sacred process, no matter how messy it gets! If you are still reading my newsletter honey, it is safe for me to say you are in a transformation process. <3

Growth is messy. Old perspectives, emotions, commitments, ways of life, may need to be fully faced, felt and reckoned with for the new and vital to enter. This month can be a great time to reflect on what’s not working, grieve and release it. We are entering the ‘Quickening’ a time predicted of rapid and healing transformation. We are waking up but that is not easy. The Quickening is asking a lot of us, especially in the dying to the old chapter. Let the river move through you angel, it will not hurt you. It does not feel like it, but this is a healing. And in each new space light can fill you. The New Paradigm will give back to you, I promise. We are beings of love. We are made to receive. By loving and being responsible for ourselves, by doing our inner work to heal, we also love and heal each other.

And to my deep divers among you; the wayshowers, sensitives, empaths, kind-hearted, old souls, etc. Life may be particularly crazy, difficult, hard to trust, scattered, slow/sped up, just A LOT. You are a guide and our guides need to be ready. The healing and waking up process for guides is being accelerated to an unprecedented degree. Wayshowers look all kinds of different. But the one thing we have in common is our capacity to love. We hold that energy of love inside the storm that is our world’s current reality. You will be holding out your hands for all those beginning their conscious healing journey. You will stand next to them and they will start to heal. Our groundedness in love will help them feel their own heart and soul, and thus way-showing our communities how to take refuge in their own light.

For me, I am being asked to confront, heal, and love every forsaken place within me. And it is paying off. Those of you who know me well understand my passion about healing from trauma. I find no healing modality is complete without addressing core traumas, each in a qualified and ethical manner for that modality. As an Integrative Health Coach, I help my clients get to the roots of where they’re stuck and help them feel difficult emotions as a way to move forward. But I have wanted to go deeper, to support my clients in addressing their core traumas. Spirit heard me and then some, that is for sure!

In 2022 I will be taking Dr. Gabor Mate’s year long intensive training for practitioners called Compassionate Inquiry. “Compassionate Inquiry gently uncovers and releases childhood trauma, constriction and suppressed emotion embedded in the body, that are the root of illness and addiction.” Personally his work has transformed my life, everything from understanding the cancer personality and the cost of putting other people first to the point I got sick, the unintended consequence of spiritual bypassing emotions through years of spiritual practice, focus and influence, and my ADHD actually being a form of trauma! I mean the creative side of me I will keep, but let’s harness these fireworks just a little. ;-). Hahaha!

So I will end this newsletter with a calling in. I am looking for a handful of clients in 2022 who I am meant to support in this transformative time for you and me. I see you: spiritually-inclined sensitives, survivors, healers, kind-hearted, and wayshowers. I want to be in your corner in this time of acceleration, healing and release. I want to support you in calling in exactly what you need in your life, to have your needs met, and stand tall as the light you truly are. If you are interested in my 4 Month Coaching Program, book a free consultation here or read more about my program here. I am scheduling new bookings in January. If you book a consultation before December 31, 2021, we can schedule that session in January, and I  will offer you $400 off my program. I still believe in Santa. Hehe. <3
Dear sensitive, dear pure heart, you are royalty to me. You deserve to see how incredible, limitless, right on time, and perfect you are, just as you are. You deserve to see how your heart brings medicine no other love could give. 

Happy New Year. This year is yours. 

<3 Your Loyal Knight
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<![CDATA[Letting Love In: My Trouble With Armor]]>Mon, 22 Nov 2021 05:00:00 GMThttp://riseupnow.net/blog/letting-love-in-my-trouble-with-armor

​​​​For the deep feelers:
We may feel it more when we are hurt. 

But nothing is more painful
than shutting love out.

Author

ERIN DOLAN, NBC-HWC
National Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach, Integrative Health Coach &
AKA Your Loyal Knight


MUD TO MAJESTY
Coaching for
the New Paradigm

Archives

November 2021
September 2021
August 2021
March 2021

I used to have a superpower. I used to be vulnerable. I used to wear my heart on my sleeve and express my innermost thoughts and feelings so easily. The room would relax. People would feel comfortable to be real with me, and I was a great role model for emotional intimacy. I seemed to inspire healing and closeness. At least, sometimes. It did not always work out. But most of the time it did. And in my own little corner of the universe, I was being true to myself and making the world better for it. 

Then life happened, it chipped away at, or downright bulldozed and destroyed, my innocence. My propensity to trust others and believe what they said, caught up with me. The sad thing is, the people who hurt me- the ones who were truly toxic, manipulative and in rare cases abusive, were just a small few out of so many people. But in the aftermath of my vulnerability being used against me, you would think the whole world screwed me. 

It is human is to lose innocence and put armor on. The ego (protective self,) it’s whole job is to keep us safe. We all have to grow up and learn how to do that. It is healthy to be discerning. That was one of life’s biggest lessons for me: who to trust? But I went to the other extreme. I stopped trusting anyone. I built the world’s best armor to compensate for not having any protection in my naive youth. I wore armor, hid in a fortress and built a mote around it! Anything  to end the ‘getting the shit kicked out of me years.’  

“when you protect
yourself from pain, 

be sure you do not
protect yourself
from love.” 

-Alan Cohen


I did not see my life had become pure self protection. I certainly did not see it had taken over my life! Perhaps, I was not really living at all. In working with other survivors I started to put it together for myself. ‘Playing it safe’ really felt like the true way to heal. How could it not be after being knocked down one too many times? I was planning a workshop at a Domestic Violence Center with a clinician there and wanted the topic to be ‘trusting our intuition.’ She cautioned me not to use that theme. She used the example of how a survivor may hear a strong internal voice ‘it is not safe to go outside,’ even long after the threats are gone. That voice will seem like intuition to them, so the workshop could be upsetting. In that moment, quite humbly, I saw myself. 

I thought my protective self
was my intuition for a long time. 


The irony is, my protective self did save me. It was my rescuer. I had a lot of catching up to do in learning who NOT to trust, NOT to open up my heart to. My protective self pulled me back from the brink in adulthood, much like it is rescued me in childhood. It saved me. It was trying to help me and it did. But it was not my true self, or the intuition so generated from my heart and soul. My protective self was working overtime to keep my heart and soul buried- ‘for my own safety.’ ‘Not until you are ready’ ‘not until you are healed’ and all the other rationalizations getting more clever with each passing day. 

I am not lost on the irony.  My protective self became my prison keeper; my rescuer started and ended my recovery. I had to negotiate my release. Then came the internal war. It was no longer about anyone else. My rescuer was killing me in a slow and painful death. It was taking away my freedom, the true me - just a dopey puppy who wants to love everyone- piece by piece. It was turning my life into a mechanical, logical, lifeless, bunker zone. ‘Stay safe, build yourself up, get ahead.’ The one who saved me was now pulling me into darkness. 

I started to become scared of everything; eating the right foods, saying the right things, heal and do inner work on a protect-yourself-from-pain conveyer belt, stand guard on a 24/7 people-with-narcissistic-personality-disorder lookout, all the while making that innocent survivor mistake the clinician explained to me, thinking the deep conviction in my (traumatized) cells was my intuition.

After I realized my protective self took over my life, I had to come to terms with the loss of all that time in hiding. Coming back has been a process. My rescuer did not want to release me! Healing only worked when I had compassion for my whole experience. Honestly, it has been messy. I had to understand the different players in me, survival instincts intertwined with beams of holy light, intertwined with lies, detours, and some old fairy dust. I had to love the struggle itself. I say to myself 'of course you don’t want to come back after what happened to you. What happened was horrible. But it is not happening now. I promise. Let’s take it step by step. And, I am listening to ALL of how you feel.' 

I had to love, not resist or make wrong,
 the part of me that refused love. 
But I also had to see it for what it was,
armor that was costing me everything. 


In my favorite place, in private communion with another safe soul - be it friend, family, helper or one of my beloved clients, my heart was back. That is maybe the one place I never left. It was up to it’s old self like no time had passed, in all of it’s gory; human, vulnerable and unscripted. My heart gets bigger everyday. Each heartfelt conversation and connection melts the armor away.  

The biggest shifts have been through internal work. It has been how I talk to myself, stay aware of the internal players and observe who is trying to drive. The all-out-war became a power struggle, became a tense but improving truce, as I honor the internal soldier. I say to them, 'Thank you for saving me, and trying to save me still. You don't have to save me anymore. We are ok now. You can help me stay safe, you can help me discern who to trust. But you are not responsible for me anymore. You can let go'. Much to my amazement they are finally starting to believe me! My entire inner being shifts in response. I feel a wave of peace. I can rest into my body and feel RELIEF! As the internal soldier lets go the armor drops. Then I feel my heart. Every single time this happens is a tremendous victory for me. I know eventually it won't be as much work, it will be normal to FEEL safety, love and true freedom, not just understand it. 

It’s coming together now. I feel like my old self, only the new and improved, veteran version. I would not go back to before it all fell apart. I like being smarter! And hec did I ever earn wisdom from experience. Now I have a healthy internal guard on standby who is actually becoming my friend. We are working it out. One thing is for sure, I am kicking the crappy old armor to the curb. It can sink to the bottom of the mote on my way out of the fortress. No more keeping the good stuff out. I feel the sun and rain in equal measure. I feel my heart, soul and JOY even, as well as the pain, uncertainty, fear, rage, grief, humanity, unknown, and my heart beating fast. I am feeling all of it. It’s not just a concept while staying numb and separate. So back to my superpower, this means being vulnerable. I got this. I am letting people see me!  I am letting people in, letting them love me. It makes me hyper! It makes me nervous too, but it's the good kind of nervous. Here I am in all my imperfections, wounds, scars, mistakes and insecurities; here I am in all this mess (ME, LOL.)

I let love in.

​​
  Marie Kondo gets it. She would love the real me. Hehe. ;-) 

Ps. I would love to hear your comments below! I love solidarity, connecting and learning about what resonates! Could you relate to this blog? I would love to hear what your own process has been like, letting love in.  <3


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<![CDATA[Are you a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP)?]]>Wed, 15 Sep 2021 22:09:04 GMThttp://riseupnow.net/blog/are-you-a-highly-sensitive-person-hsp

Check out my support group
for Sensitives

Author

ERIN DOLAN, NBC-HWC
National Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach Integrative Health Coach
&

AKA Your Loyal Knight


MUD TO MAJESTY
Coaching for
the New Paradigm

Archives

September 2021
August 2021
March 2021

It is estimated about 15%-20% of people on the planet today are Highly Sensitive People, and yet many do not know they are HSPs. If you think this information could help a Sensitive you care about, please pass it along. Life is so much harder when you have no idea you are an HSP. (Believe me, I know!) Dr. Elaine Aaron’s work may be life-changing for you or the Sensitive you care about. Her website has a wealth of information and resources- The Highly Sensitive Person. She formed the DOES model which describes the basic characteristics of Sensitives.

D: depth of processing
O: overstimulation
E: emotional reactivity and empathy
S: sensing the subtle


So many people are embracing sensitivity and empathy these days! This is good news for our aching planet. In my own work with clients, I find their sensitivities overwhelm them at first. Their sensitivity is an inborn, biological difference from how neurotypical people experience life. Sensitives can’t turn it off! This emanating, finely attuned antenna, picks up and processes EVERYTHING. This will drain their life force, if not understood and managed. It can get in the way of being in touch with, let alone meeting their own needs.

Sensitives often have shame about the way they are. As a whole, our culture still regards sensitivity negatively, portrayed as weakness. As a result, few neurotypical people may understand the HSP experience or the value of high sensitivity. Even worse, HSP’s themselves may struggle with accepting their true nature, try to numb out, or "be normal." They may grapple with self worth, feeling inferior, broken or incompetent, by how much their sensitivity affects their daily life.

Sensitives feel others’ experience on such empathic, mental, emotional, physical, and even psychic levels, it can contribute to feeling overly responsible for others. They may feel "taken over" by others’ energy. As a result, they may not be able to access their own experience. In this loss of self, they may feel like something is wrong with them, or feel badly about themselves. All of these factors combined can result in other people knowingly, or unknowingly, taking advantage of them. Before my clients came to me, they were often giving away too much, while not receiving equally from others, or knowing how to set energetic boundaries and fill up their own cups. They often came to my door empty, drained, overstimulated, exhausted, burnt out, insecure, feeling a host of negative emotions, and chronic and sometimes unexplained health ailments.

Do you relate to being a Sensitive? If so, be good to yourself. Life has not been easy with all that extra information! It is a practice to love yourself the way you are wired. It is a big deal to figure out what works for you, rearrange your life to support your sensitivity, and learn how to harness your sensitivity into a superpower. Trust me, it will be a RELIEF to receive your own energy, instead of it bleeding away! You deserve to feel good. 

I wanted to create a place where Sensitives can heal. This is how the Phoenix Club was born, a support group for people wired like us.

Healing Starts By:
  • Seeing the true value of who you are and what you give.
  • releasing shame and self-judgment about being a Sensitive. 
  • Surrendering the fight to be different than you are, or “fit in.” 
  • Building a life that nurtures and supports your sensitivity. 
  • It starts by seeing yourself reflected in others.


A special love note from the Author: 

So about being reflected in others. It's time for us to find each other. We have big work to do. We are here to bring light to the world, to lift it up!  But before all that, we need to lift each other up, lift up ourselves! WE NEED TO BE WELL. <3  I find the best way to heal is in community. So I designed a support group with Sensitives in mind. It's called the Phoenix Club. Why the Phoenix club? Because if you are a Sensitive you have been through A LOT. Read all about it, and join us here. I would love to meet you star. 
​Love Erin,
Nationally Board Certified
Health and Wellness Coach

& Your Loyal Knight
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<![CDATA[SLAY THE DO MORE, BE MORE, FIX IT BEAST]]>Tue, 31 Aug 2021 21:10:06 GMThttp://riseupnow.net/blog/slay-the-do-more-be-more-fix-it-beast

​“You can’t get there from here.” Abraham

Author

ERIN DOLAN, NBC-HWC
National Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach Integrative Health Coach
&
AKA Your Loyal Knight


MUD TO MAJESTY
Coaching for
the New Paradigm

Archives

September 2021
August 2021
March 2021

Picture

If you put a lot of pressure on yourself, relate to being sensitive, feel burdened by just how sensitive you are, or want to understand the Sensitive in your life, this article is for you.

You may know most everything written here. My intention is to strengthen your inner knowing, that deep and ancient wisdom already inside you. You are the master and creator of your life. May what is resonant feed and ground you in your knowing. What is not, please toss away without another thought. <3

Doing it all is a double-edged sword. Making your plate bigger, your expectations higher, and implementing regular self-care on top of work, family, and daily responsibilities can add stress, not reduce it. It is easy to feel like you are coming up short, be consumed by a gnawing sense of dread, shame, self-doubt, falling behind. Its an encompessing force of not-enoughness. This force gathers evidence and grows, eclipsing the ability to feel ok.

For my clients- spiritually inclined, highly sensitive souls, multiply this experience times ten. 10x the pain. 10x the intensity of hard energies absorbed through the world around them. Add that to the false conditioning we all went through, in one form or another, growing up. It has been said people in mastery school have more karma. I consider highly sensitive souls to be old souls, and we came back to be guides in this lifetime. But in order to be guides we have to go through “training.” Some training takes years to recover and make sense of. And even without those traumas, Sensitives come into this world with all systems on. They are processing every kind of information-internally and externally- far more deeply than the average person. They can’t shut this deep processing off. It is a kind of adversity only another highly sensitive soul could understand.


​My clients are my greatest teachers and my tribe. They are intuitive, honest, caring, smart, and possess a deep sense of responsibility to make the world better. I have watched almost every client come in with the notion "if I just try harder, work harder, do more, things will improve." Here is where I disagree. I consider that mentality a beast.

Nothing we do from not-enoughness will help us or anyone else….

One reason Sensitives feel stuck is they relate to themselves as the problem, instead of how sacred they are. They compare themselves to “normal” and try to be less sensitive, shutting down their superpowers in the process. Your sensitivity is your direct connection to the divine. It is your life force like the roots of a mighty tree, feeding you. It is communicating wisdom about what you know and need, more profound than logic could ever be. It deserves to be heard, nurtured, and accepted as you do. Usually, the lessons asking to be learned are the very opposite of "try harder, work harder, do more."  Such lessons could be self-love, feeling worthy to receive, learning how to feel safe, heal from trauma, being embodied and grounded in the present, demanding more of others while tolerating less BS, not carrying people who need to carry themselves, not giving your life-force away. It is in meeting your need for space, gentleness, tranquility, quiet, beauty, and connections that feed you. It is in learning how to protect yourself and your peace, like your life depends on it. What if it does? 

Your life is not meant to be draining.
You are not a do more machine. 

You are a beautiful heart and soul.
Your needs matter.  

What your heart and soul needs, matters. 


But it feels normal to feed the beast. It is what most of us know, what we were conditioned to do. It is the hamster wheel of the ego. If you can just run fast enough, if you can just be enough. But no amount of running ever gets you there. You keep trying to fit into this broken, abrasive, aggressive, and insensitive world on its terms. The result is getting smaller every day. It is like clipping your own wings. 

What if you said ENOUGH? 

It is not easy to leave the pack mentality behind, the conditioning left inside of you. “Try harder. You can't do that. Stop being so sensitive. You are selfish. Who do you think you are? You care too much. you want too much. You need to earn it first. You are not working hard enough. You are too emotional. It is your fault. You don’t deserve it. Get your shit together.” Conditioning is hellish and all-consuming, but that does not make it true. Conditioning is nothing more than what feels normal, an internal set point, well-worn neural pathways, after a lifetime of believing negative things about yourself and the suffering that goes with it. It feels normal to not be enough. It feels normal to strive, to try and do better, to fit in, commit to things that don’t feed you, to desperately try and fix yourself. To hustle for love. 

Our conditioning is our ego. It is the wound of not-enoughness. We feel separate from the whole. This is what the Buddha taught, that all suffering comes from feeling separate. Through the eyes of the ego we will always come up short, and be on the outside looking in. We all have an ego and its message of deficiency. This is to be human. So if ego is the motivation to do something- even something inherently wonderful- it will never feel enough. Separateness cannot complete itself. 

Only love is complete and you are this love. Only love is the truth. Nothing, I repeat, NOTHING needs to be added, taken away, or done to love. Love just is. It is every cell of who you are, in every moment of your life. It is the messy, painful moments, and the moments that actually feel good. I believe this is what Jesus meant by the kingdom of heaven. It is here now inside of us, always was, always will be. We can receive this heaven when we let go of the illusion we are not enough. You can forget and then come back again. Forget, come back. Forget less. And this is the real and only work. Come back. For this love is untouched, undamaged, and unconditional. You are this love already, and a crucial, beloved piece of every living thing. It is not upon reaching some goal or destination of the perfect woke superwoman- who balances her kids on her head while fighting evil with her left hand and meditating with her right……. it is in the stillness. You are, were, and will always be whole, complete, one, pure love dear.  

In the presence of this moment, every cell of life loves you, 
bends to you, sings to you, reassures you, blesses you.


Anything you hear besides this love is just that pesky old conditioning. 
It is a radio station of static playing over pure, infinite, unfathomable peace.
That static, that noise, has nothing to do with you. 


Turn the dial. 

So once again, because reassurance is healing- the work is not to do more, be more, fix it. Nothing will feel good coming from not-enoughness. No amount of yoga, healthy eating, helping a friend, doing overtime at work, self-improvement, or going to the latest protest will bring love to “I am not enough.” Only truly feeling love for ourselves and others at this moment, can do that. Love is a very different kind of work. It is that choice to come back, to see the ego playing static and turn the static off. This is the muscle and practice of faith. We have to practice believing we are love and make choices from this place. Faith is an action, an application. 

As a Coach, I help people develop and prioritize the practice of enoughness. I help you change the dial from static to love. I support you to come back to the love of who you are again and again. It is a bridge back to your true self. And in the miraculous clearing that starts to emerge, behold your inner guidance! I help you listen to what your heart and soul desires, not what you need to “fix.” As of right now, as well as my blogs, articles, and videos, there are two resources I offer to assist you in this practice. I offer a 1:1 coaching program and a biweekly support group for highly sensitive souls. 

If this article speaks to you, perhaps it is time to unfold your wings and feel your majesty. Let life's love for you pour in and lift you up, as the practice. Yes? Then I designed the Take Your Crown Coaching Program with you in my heart. If having a personal Coach could support you, click here to learn more about my program and style. Maybe? Not sure? Then please consider a free consultation. Click here to sign up. I am taking on a handful of new clients in the Fall. It would be an honor to work with you. <3

You deserve to feel held
inside this moment- 

without needing to do one more thing. 

May you feel the truth- 

you are held and loved so entirely, 
like this woman floating in water,
you could cry in joy, wonder, and relief.

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<![CDATA[Mud to Majesty: My Story & Manifesto]]>Fri, 19 Mar 2021 04:00:00 GMThttp://riseupnow.net/blog/mud-to-majesty-my-story-manifesto
​Dedicated to the Sensitives, Creatives, Survivors & Old Souls. You are the reason I get up in the morning. You are my courage, hope, ​ love and faith.

And to our Allies. ​You make more of a difference than you know. ​
​“You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It’s time that you won” 


From  Falling Slowly 
by Marketa Irglova and Glen Hansard

Author

Erin Dolan, NBC-HWC
AKA Your Loyal Knight
Writer, Coach, Speaker 
Genderqueer, Gay, HSP,
Survivor, Creative & Old Soul


MUD TO MAJESTY
Coaching for  Sensitives, Creatives, Survivors & Old Souls

Archives

September 2021
August 2021
March 2021

Self-help can be healing, even life-saving. But, self-help is also a multibillion-dollar industry. Domestic Violence is an epidemic. What on earth could the self-help industry and domestic violence possibility have in common? They are both capable of preying on vulnerabilities. When someone or something causes you to feel powerless, feel worse about yourself or less than them, to doubt your own answers, to go into debt against your better instincts, to make you believe you need them to be ok, it’s wrong. That is taking advantage. You don’t deserve that. You don’t need to be fixed, controlled, managed, manipulated or worse, made unsafe. You need to be loved. You deserve to trust your own inherent and profound inner wisdom. You deserve the people and influences in your life to honor and support your autonomy. 

Allow me to explain why I care so much about this. 

I have spent a lot of my life giving my power away. I felt like other people had my answers or had power over me. Sometimes they did have power over me. I am a Survivor. It has been a pretty epic journey taking my power back. As I learned how to be empowered, my calling became clear. I am here to help others trust themselves, see their value and take their power back too. Particularly? People wired like me: the Sensitives, Creatives, Survivors, and Old Souls. We have unique gifts and challenges I am qualified to address. 

I have decided to really put myself out there. I am telling you my story and how it made my calling clear. In the most painful moments, I knew everything was happening for a reason. Sometimes that intuition was the only thing that kept me going, the thought I could help someone on the other side. 

I love my family with all my heart. My parents love me and gave me everything they could. They are kind, generous and loving. They suffered in their own childhoods more then I could imagine. They are trauma survivors. They were never given the tools to heal their traumas. I was born an old soul empath and HSP (Highly Sensitive Person.) I felt their pain, and thought it was my fault.

I was raped by a babysitter at five years old. He groomed the whole family. Nobody could see what happened.  Yet, I became a different child. Before the rape, I remember being curious, playful, and possessing an adorable sense of humor, (if I do say so, myself). I was already super sensitive. But the rape broke me. Traumatic amnesia is a real thing. The memory was instantly and completely blocked. But my body would never forget. I was utterly lost inside. It was a prison. Terrified and frozen, every moment of my life felt like imminent doom. 

By twelve years old I was ready to implode. Unconscious trauma, and feeling guilty and responsible towards everyone else’s pain around me, I morphed into pure self-hate. Something was wrong with me. I was broken. I was the problem. Everybody else was busy living. I was frozen in time. I was the scourge of the earth ruining everyone’s life. I could no longer take the old terror that was my body or the new rage of being trapped inside it so long. I wanted to die or run away. I sat in the basement and tied things around my neck. I made threats. I did not remember being raped. And I did not know I was a Highly Sensitive Person in much less sensitive or conscious environments. I felt completely alone. I was watching a movie I was not a part of. Self-hate mixed with teenage hormones. I was a brooding mess. 

By fourteen my soul was working overtime to get a foothold back in. My mother fought to get me financial aid for a couple of alternative schools. I am so grateful she did. Nobody in my family had been exposed to opportunities like those. Those schools saved me. I found things I truly loved and some people more like me. Early miracles. I took many walks in the woods. I talked to God at night on the soccer fields. I found mysticism and a deep resonance with one of its core messages: the world inside of us is infinitely more real than what is happening outside of us. Spirituality felt like home. And the arts, man. Was I being blessed. I could take improv dance at the same time someone else was taking geometry! The arts saved me too. The playful 5-year-old made a tentative little knock from deep in my buried heart. 

In my twenties I started to really break free. Hallelujah! I was remembering my essence, feeling my true self beyond the story of my youth. I stumbled upon (or you could say Spirit dragged me kicking and screaming) into a theater apprenticeship at a Renaissance Faire. You can ask them- I was so shy at the time, I tried to quit at least three times! I knew when something was mine by the way it lit up in me and took hold. I could not deny it. They were my soul YESSES. From theater to a transformative experience in a holistic health coaching program, to founding a cooperative home in Boston for women following their dreams, I was finding my free spirit. I surrounded myself with inspiring people and a conscious community. I was learning how to live in magic and joy. I had true friends, meaning, happiness, and security. It was safe to open my heart. I had enormous privilege and was blessed. 

Then came the next 'before and after' moment in my life: domestic violence with a spiritual twist. She said she was my wife. She said she was awake and I was not. It was her job to wake me up.  And I believed her. I thought I was in love. After such an incredible reunion with my Spirit and my tender new life, I thought she was my next great Yes! I see now, I had no idea how fucked up I still was. I had no idea how much trauma was buried inside of me. I was vulnerable in a way that I did not even know. I believed all I had to do was love well and take responsibility. I was perfectly primed to go back to the old wound of “Everything is my fault.” I kept trying to love her and fix things by working on myself. It was a disaster. I couldn't see how I was giving my power, safety, sanity, identity; my very life away.  The hell I endured, the mind-fuck insanity is a story all its own. It broke me. For the second time in my life, I broke completely.

Four years or so, later, I crawled out barely alive. More like, I opened my eyes laying on my back. A fog cleared. I was barely breathing. I was in debt, isolated, and worse. Any sense of self I recovered in my twenties was shattered beyond repair. I was not there. Pieces in every room. Unrecognizable. Empty. 

* A special love note to all the kindred spirits I lost when I LOST MYSELF. I am sorry I disappeared. I am sorry I stayed away. That is not like me. I am grateful for the time we had. I have joined the living again. I love you. 

What brought me back was an emergency. Cancer had made a home in my body. Well of course it did. I saw no way out in my “marriage.” My body had been secretly growing a way. I had spent too many years studying the connection between mind, body, emotion, and spirit to miss this one. 

I remember signing the guest book in the hospital chapel. I remember not feeling afraid of death, but a gnawing dread of my life ending early when I was not done. I wanted to make a difference. I had always lived for that! I felt painfully unrealized. I had lost myself in serving a damaged soul. I was scared, a deer in headlights. Frozen, again. 

But the will in me kicked back in. Actually, in some ways for the first time. Cancer proved to be a gift. I had to make a choice and I had to make it quickly. It was like all of the phases in my life had prepared me for this one. I got back into the power of intention, visualization, prayer, and meditation. I returned to my deep faith in food as medicine, energetic and emotional healing, all forms of holistic health. I did this as well as working with my western doctors. 

There was a moment. I was leaving a radiation treatment. I was driving through a nerve-racking split of two highways in Boston. I had a bigger-than-me-like flash. A resounding question came up from the deep. Which was going to be bigger: me or the cancer? Choose. I absolutely knew if I did not choose myself and mean it, my cancer would spread.

I chose me. 

I was still scared as shit. Sometimes I cried through my day. I went from crawling in the mud to tiny breakthroughs of FAITH, just to start it all over the next day. But it was different. I was different. I wasn’t just going through the motions of getting better, I had really decided now.  The fear was still fucking me up, but I wasn’t its bitch anymore. I WAS BIGGER. I was fighting back with all my effort, desire and belief. I was putting my best foot forward again and again.

 It was messy. But it was my own. 

I beat cancer and slowly built up my life again. Little did I know, out of the war and back into the apparent peace of safety and stability, was when the real work began. Nothing has been more humbling, difficult and ultimately rewarding than healing my trauma and embracing my sensitivities. And with this, "Hello my free spirit." It is you who wanted full reign all along. I met you once in a fire circle. I met you in an empty, moonlit dance room where my highschool dorm-mates and I snuck out to play. I met you singing my heart out with friends in a tunnel in a park. I met you in the dark of night, darting through the trees with one of my first soulmates. I really am coming full circle. I am learning how to let Spirit back in. I am learning how to love again and be loved, with curiosity, sensitivity and an adorable sense of humor. ;-) 

I finally came home to trusting myself. Now that is some REAL empowerment and security. LOL. I have embraced my unique gifts, perception, empathy and intuition. It still requires effort, but I don't give my power away. I rise from the mud of fear, lack, and thinking I don't have my answers. It is crazy to think I am anything less than whole, right here and right now, in all my glorious mess. I am done fixing myself or listening to people who say I need to be fixed. I still have work to do and places to be accountable. But I am worthy at every step.

Love doesn’t fix.
Love doesn’t judge.
I deserve love. 


I am learning to see myself accurately. I am both strong and sensitive. Truer to the point: Sensitivity is strength. I am learning to say, “Fuck it,” to what anyone thinks, even if, alas, I may feel it all deeply. I am done being silent about my story and who I really am. I am done pretending I am anything even close to conventional! I am done being afraid to mark an empty canvas with the colors of me.

No more living in shadows.
Hiding is the slowest death there is. 

I did not survive to die again. 


The magic is back. Dancing in the kitchen. Shaving half of my head (my inner Celtic warrior is beyond happy). Being proud that I am non-binary, genderqueer AND very gay. My creative soul is busting through. I have to do things my own unique way. This holy mess is blessed! The taps spring open. I share with the abandon I have always longed for. This time I am using my real name. I am really here,  taking up space and making my mark. I am here to make a difference on my terms. No more doing life-changing work in secret. 

When I got back into coaching three years ago, I named my business Rise Up Now. That was me owning what I wanted all along: to support others in learning how to trust, love and empower themselves. My work is fueled by helping others hear their inner voice. I let go of the nutrition and lifestyle focus I had as a coach in my twenties. What a shift! The clients who showed up were heaven-sent, including the ones talking about food. Every conversation was deeper. They taught me so much. They clarified my deepest conviction and the full circle of this story. Thus, my new business name was born- Mud to Majesty.

Mud to Majesty 
is the journey we each take when we trust our true self and become sovereign in our life. It was the hardest journey for me. And yet, I would not change a thing. Now I get to point out the true Royalty YOU are. Nobody does it better or knows better than you, dear. This is your life. Take it. I raise a glass to never giving up. To US!  We who have spent some time crawling in the mud. Here is to standing up. These crowns look good on us. Huzzah! 

You are sacred beyond words. Your unique path and answers are inside you. Your brilliant kingdom, reign and legacy, are encoded deep in your cells. No one else can claim it, take it from you, tell you what is best for you, or how you should proceed. No one has the right to say they know you better than you know yourself.  

“Raise your hopeful voice 
you have a choice 
You’ve made it now.
Falling slowly
 sing your melody
I’ll sing along.” 


PS. If you know someone who needs this story, please pass it along!
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