Why Self-Trust is My Excalibur
I Love Entering The New Year!
Hope. New life will come. It beckons self-reflection and creating intentions, two things I adore. This year in a daring goal to burn old journals to make room for the new, I am present to something else instead. I have been writing pretty similar things for awhile now. Can anyone relate to that? My core values jump out like they are highlighted on the page, because seeing repetition after years makes things pretty obvious.
I may still have some ancient journals lying around somewhere, but in my lost years most everything physical was also lost. At some point I will share more about that time, but the short story is I gave my heart to someone who was not a safe person. In its wake, September of 2013 to be exact and at 33 years old, I was diagnosed with cancer. I started saving journals shortly after. I will call it my conscious rise back to the light. I had to fight for everything, my life- no matter how rational or irrational that interpertation was, walking again, my brain/ healing mind control, my sanity, coming back to the world after complete isolation …. and every physical form of stability we may be so privileged to have in our lives. But what stands out to me as I read these journals was not the adversity. It was my unfaltering spirit. I was the same person as before. Even though I got lost, my core truths were consistent. So were the underlying lessons I was grappling with!
One of my biggest life lessons is self-trust. I have way too many times aligned myself with value systems, teachers and even strong personalities that sounded great, but did not ultimately feel right in my bones. And over years of doing that (and the unconscious self-abandonment it caused,) my struggles continued, I plateaued in survival mode, and my health deteriorated. There were some other things at play. I was recovering from codependence. I had massive blind spots about my constitutional differences as a Highly Sensitive Person (with constant empathic and psychic experiences) in a non-Sensitive’s world. I was living as a female while in my heart I am more a male. I was a Creative through and fucking through, but without enough outlets. I was a new entrepreneur coming back into the coaching world, only this time completely on my own, with much I needed to learn and mature through. These are a few ‘getting to know and be true to myself’ influences, besides my lesson of self-trust alone!
In February 2023 I am about to complete the most emotionally Intensive course of my life! Haha. God bless Compassionate Inquiry. Dr. Gabor Mate has been one of my greatest teachers. I hope everyone can come to understand how universal and pervasive trauma actually is. Because, no matter how loved we were, most of us did not feel seen, understood, or safe to be ourselves, at least on some levels when we were young. Doing the healing work to face those emotions and underlying damaging beliefs we made up about ourselves when we were young, is a game changer.
For me, many blessings came from the program. It took my coaching practice to a whole new level by gaining the skills and tools to include somatic healing, to have an educated conversation about the influence of trauma, and to go deeper to support my clients when they feel stuck. I’ve been blessed by the friendships I’ve made from class. I also had incredible sessions with volunteer clients, who reaffirmed to me one’s own inner-healer is the most powerful force there is. But my biggest lesson was learning how to identify and understand the things about the program that did NOT work for me. Doing that kind of deep digging in practice sessions every week for one year was too much. It could have done more harm than good. But I pulled back and moreover, it helped me realize something huge. It isn’t the question of whether to do your healing work or not, that matters. It’s what do you really need given where you are? Much like everything, it’s more like a scale. Many people avoid self-reflection and facing the inner-work of healing their childhoods, negativity, limiting beliefs, or victim mentality. Many people don’t even know that how they perceive the world could be altered! It’s a privilege to be exposed to the healing path and courageous to take it. However, many other people, particularly the deep-divers, Empaths and Highly Sensitive among us, have been working on healing ourselves for too long. Then, it may be time to stop focusing on healing and start living again. This over-focus on healing can be an unconscious, ‘I’m not good enough, I need to fix myself before anything good can happen’, kind of mentality. I am most certainly in THAT category. Doing my inner-work saved me. But a continual over-focus on healing would be quite detrimental. Haha!
I have always believed the formula for healing and wellbeing is YOURS. It is uniquely your own and will not look like anybody else’s. And while we may all be blessed to find people, schools, modalities, methods, teachers, and communities that really resonate with us, it can be most empowering to take the parts that work for us and leave the rest. I myself, need to lean more into what is already inside of me as a creator, artist, intuitive, coach, mentor, healer and mystic. I want alone time with a blank white page, the forest, and my future wife, not 13 new books. Haha. And I want to go dancing, and play! LIVE. Many of my clients find me because they are wired much the same way. What’s within you and calling out? Do you long for more space? What would you do with that space? It fits to quote myself from February of 2014, as I lay in bed healing, post-surgery.
“Be brave enough to go your own way without crutches.”
Despite any other appearances, what I am really doing is I getting my PHD in self-trust. I know the pitfalls very well. Therefore, I am a good teacher for anyone wanting to trust themselves more and lean fully into what is calling them from the soul level.
In this New Year I am honoring the Erin of 9 years ago who swore to God, “If I make it I will serve, I will live, I will heal, I will help!” And dude, I was that person BEFORE I cried out in desperation. But I am NOT about the old paradigm. I know it was never Spirit asking me to self sacrifice or martyr myself. That was my human who stayed in a dangerous situation to the point I could not go on. I remember cutting out a magazine image of a flower that said “It’s My Turn Now.” I meant it then. But after 9 years of devotion, I know HOW to do it. I know how trusting myself FEELS. I will still shake, doubt and be bucked off wild horses, but I’m crazy enough to get back on.
After the last 9 years of self-trust lessons here are some non-negotiables for 2023: if it’s complicated, I am not interested. If it is wicked mental, no thanks. If it doesn’t resonate, I don’t lean in. If it feels heavy or lifeless, with wayyy too many steps, nope. Fear-based, depressing, and covertly shaming? No more of that crap. Boastful, entitled and inauthentic? Nah Dawg. But in all honesty, and venting aside, the whats don’t matter. The whats will occur to each of us in an entirely different way. What serves each of us totally varies. Nothing is perfect, nothing is the answer. Your answer is the only answer, but it’s just for you. What could be toxic to me could be perfect for you, and later we could reverse places! This New Year is about what feeds me, what is life-giving, what lifts me up. I am life-giving, I am joyful, I am generous, and I know my worth. This year is about receiving that back, and helping my clients choose the same. More space. And of course my sword Excalibur, SELF-TRUST. <3
It’s the old paradigm to buy into the pride or holiness of overworking, being burnt out, constant sacrifice and needless suffering. It is the old paradigm to work like a dog, even on yourself, or to give endlessly and receive nothing back. I am not saying that we don’t face extremely difficult situations sometimes. And I am not saying it’s easy to unhook from lifetimes of old paradigm conditioning. What I am saying is the alternative could be worse, and those kind of wake up calls are not easy to come back from, I know. You deserve SO MUCH MORE. While pain is inevitable, needless suffering is not. Lets level up together, in this flicker of time to be alive.
IT’S YOUR TURN NOW.
Don’t participate in something that flat out sucks and is not absolutely necessary. Make it personal. Make it about you. Change starts when you choose yourself, and choose your OWN way forward in self-trust. It won’t be delivered by a stork, guardian angel or passing someone else’s test. Believe me, I tried everything else. HAHA. ;-)
So, what feeds you? What gives back to you? What do you REALLY need? What will it take to choose yourself? Let’s call it in together, and make this our year. 2023 BABY! HUZZAH!
Love Erin, Your Loyal Knight
PS. There maybe a name change in my future… thoughts? My actual first name, not Your Loyal Knight. HAHA. RAAAAAA. Excalibur!
PPS! I WOULD LOVE TO HEAR WHATEVER THIS STIRS IN YOU, IN THE COMMENTS BELOW!
We learn from each other. All of your stirrings are welcome here. <3
HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE! 2023!
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