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Dear Ones, Happy New Year! for this occasion I felt called to get personal and to go deep with you. Unlike other newsletters, tonight I am sharing more about my own story and personal intentions. But with everything I do, my hope is that what you need to hear most will stand out for you. May you feel supported, validated and solidarity from whatever part of my truth resonates with yours. May you never feel alone on this crazy life journey or its brave healing path. May your New Year be so totally BLESSED. May what you need most be yours. May it get easier and better. May you truly feel your self-worth here and now in life’s mess, and feel your divine and limitless capacity to create, all at the same time! You have my love and company. Let’s make this year our own. | Erin Dolan Wellness CoachNational Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach, and AKA Your Loyal Knight Archives September 2022 |
Why Self-Trust is My Excalibur
I Love Entering The New Year!
Hope. New life will come. It beckons self-reflection and creating intentions, two things I adore. This year in a daring goal to burn old journals to make room for the new, I am present to something else instead. I have been writing pretty similar things for awhile now. Can anyone relate to that? My core values jump out like they are highlighted on the page, because seeing repetition after years makes things pretty obvious.
I may still have some ancient journals lying around somewhere, but in my lost years most everything physical was also lost. At some point I will share more about that time, but the short story is I gave my heart to someone who was not a safe person. In its wake, September of 2013 to be exact and at 33 years old, I was diagnosed with cancer. I started saving journals shortly after. I will call it my conscious rise back to the light. I had to fight for everything, my life- no matter how rational or irrational that interpertation was, walking again, my brain/ healing mind control, my sanity, coming back to the world after complete isolation …. and every physical form of stability we may be so privileged to have in our lives. But what stands out to me as I read these journals was not the adversity. It was my unfaltering spirit. I was the same person as before. Even though I got lost, my core truths were consistent. So were the underlying lessons I was grappling with!
One of my biggest life lessons is self-trust. I have way too many times aligned myself with value systems, teachers and even strong personalities that sounded great, but did not ultimately feel right in my bones. And over years of doing that (and the unconscious self-abandonment it caused,) my struggles continued, I plateaued in survival mode, and my health deteriorated. There were some other things at play. I was recovering from codependence. I had massive blind spots about my constitutional differences as a Highly Sensitive Person (with constant empathic and psychic experiences) in a non-Sensitive’s world. I was living as a female while in my heart I am more a male. I was a Creative through and fucking through, but without enough outlets. I was a new entrepreneur coming back into the coaching world, only this time completely on my own, with much I needed to learn and mature through. These are a few ‘getting to know and be true to myself’ influences, besides my lesson of self-trust alone!
In February 2023 I am about to complete the most emotionally Intensive course of my life! Haha. God bless Compassionate Inquiry. Dr. Gabor Mate has been one of my greatest teachers. I hope everyone can come to understand how universal and pervasive trauma actually is. Because, no matter how loved we were, most of us did not feel seen, understood, or safe to be ourselves, at least on some levels when we were young. Doing the healing work to face those emotions and underlying damaging beliefs we made up about ourselves when we were young, is a game changer.
For me, many blessings came from the program. It took my coaching practice to a whole new level by gaining the skills and tools to include somatic healing, to have an educated conversation about the influence of trauma, and to go deeper to support my clients when they feel stuck. I’ve been blessed by the friendships I’ve made from class. I also had incredible sessions with volunteer clients, who reaffirmed to me one’s own inner-healer is the most powerful force there is. But my biggest lesson was learning how to identify and understand the things about the program that did NOT work for me. Doing that kind of deep digging in practice sessions every week for one year was too much. It could have done more harm than good. But I pulled back and moreover, it helped me realize something huge. It isn’t the question of whether to do your healing work or not, that matters. It’s what do you really need given where you are? Much like everything, it’s more like a scale. Many people avoid self-reflection and facing the inner-work of healing their childhoods, negativity, limiting beliefs, or victim mentality. Many people don’t even know that how they perceive the world could be altered! It’s a privilege to be exposed to the healing path and courageous to take it. However, many other people, particularly the deep-divers, Empaths and Highly Sensitive among us, have been working on healing ourselves for too long. Then, it may be time to stop focusing on healing and start living again. This over-focus on healing can be an unconscious, ‘I’m not good enough, I need to fix myself before anything good can happen’, kind of mentality. I am most certainly in THAT category. Doing my inner-work saved me. But a continual over-focus on healing would be quite detrimental. Haha!
I have always believed the formula for healing and wellbeing is YOURS. It is uniquely your own and will not look like anybody else’s. And while we may all be blessed to find people, schools, modalities, methods, teachers, and communities that really resonate with us, it can be most empowering to take the parts that work for us and leave the rest. I myself, need to lean more into what is already inside of me as a creator, artist, intuitive, coach, mentor, healer and mystic. I want alone time with a blank white page, the forest, and my future wife, not 13 new books. Haha. And I want to go dancing, and play! LIVE. Many of my clients find me because they are wired much the same way. What’s within you and calling out? Do you long for more space? What would you do with that space? It fits to quote myself from February of 2014, as I lay in bed healing, post-surgery.
“Be brave enough to go your own way without crutches.”
Despite any other appearances, what I am really doing is I getting my PHD in self-trust. I know the pitfalls very well. Therefore, I am a good teacher for anyone wanting to trust themselves more and lean fully into what is calling them from the soul level.
In this New Year I am honoring the Erin of 9 years ago who swore to God, “If I make it I will serve, I will live, I will heal, I will help!” And dude, I was that person BEFORE I cried out in desperation. But I am NOT about the old paradigm. I know it was never Spirit asking me to self sacrifice or martyr myself. That was my human who stayed in a dangerous situation to the point I could not go on. I remember cutting out a magazine image of a flower that said “It’s My Turn Now.” I meant it then. But after 9 years of devotion, I know HOW to do it. I know how trusting myself FEELS. I will still shake, doubt and be bucked off wild horses, but I’m crazy enough to get back on.
After the last 9 years of self-trust lessons here are some non-negotiables for 2023: if it’s complicated, I am not interested. If it is wicked mental, no thanks. If it doesn’t resonate, I don’t lean in. If it feels heavy or lifeless, with wayyy too many steps, nope. Fear-based, depressing, and covertly shaming? No more of that crap. Boastful, entitled and inauthentic? Nah Dawg. But in all honesty, and venting aside, the whats don’t matter. The whats will occur to each of us in an entirely different way. What serves each of us totally varies. Nothing is perfect, nothing is the answer. Your answer is the only answer, but it’s just for you. What could be toxic to me could be perfect for you, and later we could reverse places! This New Year is about what feeds me, what is life-giving, what lifts me up. I am life-giving, I am joyful, I am generous, and I know my worth. This year is about receiving that back, and helping my clients choose the same. More space. And of course my sword Excalibur, SELF-TRUST. <3
It’s the old paradigm to buy into the pride or holiness of overworking, being burnt out, constant sacrifice and needless suffering. It is the old paradigm to work like a dog, even on yourself, or to give endlessly and receive nothing back. I am not saying that we don’t face extremely difficult situations sometimes. And I am not saying it’s easy to unhook from lifetimes of old paradigm conditioning. What I am saying is the alternative could be worse, and those kind of wake up calls are not easy to come back from, I know. You deserve SO MUCH MORE. While pain is inevitable, needless suffering is not. Lets level up together, in this flicker of time to be alive.
IT’S YOUR TURN NOW.
Don’t participate in something that flat out sucks and is not absolutely necessary. Make it personal. Make it about you. Change starts when you choose yourself, and choose your OWN way forward in self-trust. It won’t be delivered by a stork, guardian angel or passing someone else’s test. Believe me, I tried everything else. HAHA. ;-)
So, what feeds you? What gives back to you? What do you REALLY need? What will it take to choose yourself? Let’s call it in together, and make this our year. 2023 BABY! HUZZAH!
Love Erin, Your Loyal Knight
PS. There maybe a name change in my future… thoughts? My actual first name, not Your Loyal Knight. HAHA. RAAAAAA. Excalibur!
PPS! I WOULD LOVE TO HEAR WHATEVER THIS STIRS IN YOU, IN THE COMMENTS BELOW!
We learn from each other. All of your stirrings are welcome here. <3
HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE! 2023!
Compassionate Inquiry Healing SessionsChances are, seeing as you found my website, you are well on your way in the great healing journey. I am with you in that, I have been dedicated to my inner work for a long time. For my own healing and in supporting my clients, I could not understand why we got stuck when the clarity, desire for change, and taking action, it was all there. Why were we still experiencing being stuck and reliving the same patterns?? Then I found Dr. Gabor Mate's work and learned about healing on a somatic and cellular level. No amount of conscious effort can help if unconsciously we are carrying old limiting beliefs and cellular trauma. Read More below! | AuthorErin Dolan, Wellness Coach Archives September 2022 |
I knew this approach was the missing link for me.
Last February, I entered the graduate level intensive called The Compassionate Inquiry Training Program for Practitioners. While I'm in the process of becoming certified, I am able to offer this life-changing healing method for free. Let me tell you about what CI healing sessions are, and what to expect from them. For more detailed information, scroll down to my September Newsletter below.
Compassionate Inquiry helps us unlock and break free from unconscious limiting beliefs. These beliefs are usually blocking us from creating what we need, despite our best efforts and attempts at living consciously.
How does it work? It's Somatic Healing/ Somatic Experiencing, i.e. informed by what's happening in the body. We identify your healing intention. Then, we explore your 'felt-sense', what's happening in your body, to guide us. We tune into your physical and emotional experience, which leads us to your unconscious limiting beliefs.
When we become aware of these limiting beliefs and release them on a cellular level, we can actually FEEL well again, not just conceptualize it. We can understand and have compassion for our coping mechanisms, negative emotional states, relationship triggers, addictions, and illnesses. We can release our pain physically and emotionally. Now we can experience our wholeness, innocence, worth, well-being, vitality, and connection to our internal guidance. We can bring our original healing intention to life.
If this resonates with you I encourage you to book a session and try it out. We go at your pace, and it can be an opportunity to have some loving attention towards whatever your main concerns are right now. Also, if you know someone who could benefit from a Compassionate Inquiry Session, please pass it on. Thank you!
To learn more or book a session, contact me here or email me at Erin@MudToMajesty.com
I am sending you all my prayers, blessings, and love. <3
Erin
Believe You Can Heal“Your conflicts, all the difficult things, the problematic situations in your life are not chance or haphazard. They are actually yours. They are specifically yours, designed specifically for you by a part of you that loves you more than anything else. The part of you that loves you more than anything else has created roadblocks to lead you to yourself. You are not going in the right direction unless there is something pricking you in the side, telling you, “Look here! This way!” That part of you loves you so much that it doesn’t want you to lose the chance. It will go to extreme measures to wake you up, it will make you suffer greatly if you don’t listen. What else can it do? That is its purpose.” ~ A.H. Almaas | AuthorErin Dolan, Wellness Coach Archives September 2022 |
I am with you. I hope you are well. I know, sometimes it seems life does not play nice, or fair. it can be damn hard. So much trouble is happening right now on this planet, it can be scary as #@^%!*. Add being sensitive, empathic, and having desire for a conscious life… and you are a brave and remarkable soul.
Right now I have friends and family in the direct path of a hurricane. I am holding them in my heart. I feel too far away but in prayer. I’m living in an affordable housing crisis in Maine that is affecting so many of us. I’m watching it seem increasingly difficult on the earth plane to find our hearts, yet follow them! And I am needing extra patience to let my body fully heal, after a journey of my own.
But I am also present to my faith, my faith in the healing process, and my faith in those of us who come back to faith, even when we give up, come back, give up and come back again! Last night I was speaking to a new friend who is in school with me for Compassionate Inquiry for Practitioners. Her healing journey has been out of this world. And what touched me most was her steadfast humility in it all. She kept showing up. We do actually get there, (to a place of true peace and wellbeing) if we take the steps. And it is one step at a time. We walk in the dark with our hearts pulling towards the light. We ALL have an inner healer who pulls, who calls, who will not give up on us, even when we give up on ourselves. It is hard, it is endless, and then eventually, (mostly not through a single strike of lightning,) we simply can’t remember the last time a hurricane tormented us on the inside - in our minds- our bodies- our emotions- in our soul. Instead, we feel well. It’s not perfect, it’s not over. But it’s steady. It’s gentler now. We feel ourselves. We know ourselves.
My two sense is don’t give up. Even if you do, or want to give up, get up again. Uhm, I’ve been there. it’s like me throwing a boomerang off a cliff and having it come back to knock me on my ass. To my senses. Keep going. Believe you can heal.
Ask Spirit, ‘help me believe I can heal, help me believe I am getting somewhere, show me you’re with me. Make it undeniably clear and obvious.’ Whatever it takes. Spirit will open what your protective self may’ve unconsciously tried to keep tightly closed. Spirit can help you receive some medicine and comfort. And I am here with you in solidarity. I committed to healing, I signed THAT contract. I believe I can heal. And the winds may have their way with me because I asked for this, HAHA! But small miracles happen everyday, for myself, and the others I find walking with me. We are not alone as we stumble in the dark. We are in good company.
So now for the important question, what’s up with the sword? If you know me, you KNOW how I feel about Archangel Michael and his sword of truth. Because love can be fierce, love can be non-negotiable, and we all deserve the protection and grace of love’s true strength. I am praying that you may feel protected and held in whatever way works for you, whatever way YOU need most. Be it Mikey, the woods, playtime, your bestie, some time OFF, that annoying PULL in you that will not let you disappear ;-). Your inner guide. Magic. Good people doing good things every day. Your pet. Your children. Your capacity to love despite all odds….
I trust your soul. I trust your human. I trust where your path going. I trust where your heart wants to take you. Let it. Ask for the support to let your heart lead you. <3
ALL MY LOVE,
Erin, Your Loyal Knight
SPECIAL FALL OFFER
Compassionate Inquiry® is a psychotherapeutic approach developed by Dr. Gabor Maté that reveals what lies beneath the appearance we present to the world.
Using Compassionate Inquiry, both the individual and practitioner unveil the level of consciousness, mental climate, hidden assumptions, implicit memories and body states that form the real message that words both express and conceal.
Through Compassionate Inquiry, the client can recognize the unconscious dynamics that run their lives and how to liberate themselves from them.
“The purpose of Compassionate Inquiry is to drill down to the core stories people tell themselves – to get them to see what story they are telling themselves unconsciously; what those beliefs are, where they came from; and guide them to the possibility of letting go of those stories, or letting go of the hold those stories have on them …. That’s what Compassionate Inquiry is.”
~ Dr. Gabor Maté
Book a Free Somatic Healing Session with me! Why? Because you deserve to receive, and ‘your time’ is when you take it. Plus, toughening up or just pushing through is a rough way to relate to yourself. Healing can be hard but it can also be, well, HEALING! Going it alone is not only overrated, it may be impossible. That’s my experience, anyways. I would not be here without an entire tribe who have loved me every step along the way. I want to give back and help you on your healing journey too. We all deserve healing attention and healing space.
CONSIDERED A WELLNESS COACH?
Choosing to work with me is making your wellbeing the priority.
This is why people hire a Wellness Coach. It is making a commitment to identify and meet your core needs and getting the support to follow through, be successful and THRIVE, the way you deserve.
People come to me with many different concerns.
It is whatever affects your health and wellness. You may want to look at relationships, or unhealthy relationship dynamics, (I have an unofficial PHD in the recovery process from narcissism and energy vampires of every variety- and it is a game changer to learn how to be on the other side of this for good!) an unhappy job or work life balance, chronic illness or burn out. You may want to access your inner knowing, follow a call to creativity, purpose, entrepreneurship, etc, to improve your health, energy, clarity or emotional state. You may be ready to love and value yourself more.
Who I work with:
I always say ‘my clients pick me, not the other way around’. They usually just know. If you resonate with me and want to reach out, please do so. Most of my clients identify as being spiritually inclined, sensitive, empathic and concerned for others. These super powers bring their own challenges that I am uniquely qualified to support you in.
What You Can Receive from Wellness Coaching:
- Create your health and wellness vision through self-discovery, self-love, feeling emotions, tuning into your inner-healer, relaxation techniques, and goal setting.
- Discover your unmet needs that call for your love and attention.
- Take meaningful, incremental steps forward, learning how to coach yourself.
- Experience being the expert and CEO of your life. Inviting in supportive roles as needed, while embracing your inner guidance as the ultimate authority.
- Receive empathic and attuned listening, support, safe space and accountability.
*Unlike therapy, coaching is focused on positive forward momentum towards your wellness vision. Coaching and therapy are both great options to add to your integrative practitioner dream team. We all deserve a dream team!
"As my Health Coach, Erin has shown more compassion, intelligence, and integrity than I can express in a few sentences. They have created a space for me to learn a new approach to my physical and mental health. With their professional support and guidance, I have found new paths to my own truths." -E.M.
Erin Dolan, NBC-HWC
National Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach
Certified Integrative Health Coach
Certifying for The Compassionate Inquiry Approach for Somatic Healing
& Aka Your Loyal Knight
MUD TO MAJESTY
Health and Wellness Coaching
207-295-6768
Erin@mudtomajesty.com
Why do I call myself Your Loyal Knight?
Because you’re SOVEREIGN. You’re the one true expert of your life. May I, and the others you choose, be a supportive presence, Your Majesty. <3
First off, I have news. You’ll find all the links below. I will be speaking at the virtual I AM WellMiss Experiential Summit on Saturday, April 2nd, 2022 from 1 - 5pm EST! It is designed specifically for women, and is a queer and genderqueer safe space. I have dreamed about a platform like this, where our sacred vulnerability is treated like the courageous and woke act it is, where we can have support demystifying trauma, and what it means to be strong and successful in this world. Also, I am currently accepting new clients. In case you’ve been wondering what exactly Health and Wellness Coaching is, I go into detail below. I’m offering a seasonal discount if you respond directly to this newsletter. Lastly, i’ve published a new blog about awakenings in my own healing journey. It’s certainly influenced by being in school with Dr. Gabor Mate, a world leader in helping us turn towards our emotional pain as the way forward in healing. Deeper still, this blog reflects my own inner knowing. It’s the inner knowing I have denied and returned to many times as I learn how to embrace - what is happening now - as the way home to myself.
And for You, dear traveler on your hero’s journey home,
May Spring bring healing to you. Spring is the beloved transformer. It calls out the sleeping parts in us. New life breaks through the dead layers, what’s outdated, what’s not serving anymore. It can bring loss, sudden endings and beginnings. It can feel like internal conflict, heightened emotions, aggression and restlessness! And on a planetary level, I know you’re feeling the world’s pain. Our mother is in anguish. Our brothers and sisters are in danger. This is devastating. It is happening everywhere. We all feel it and are affected by it. I seek refuge in my hope.
I believe in the revolution of love. We each contribute to this revolution by doing our own inner work. I believe in each of our capacities to heal and grow. I also believe there is nothing more important a human can do than to heal. It’s to face our broken places, feel our pain and our inherent value. It’s to give ourselves the love we always needed. Every single time we do this it matters, for ourselves and for others.
I offer you this. Focus on your victories of truly caring for yourself, no matter how small those moments seem. 5 minutes of loving, self attention can transform an entire day of hell. The healing vibration you give to yourself is medicine for the whole world. Each and every loving moment adds to the New Paradigm of wellbeing. We are building this Paradigm together. May we all make and receive this medicine now, and when we need it most. I’m with you in this, shoulder to shoulder.
May you get just what you need this Spring. Trust your gut instincts. Invite in the change you soul is calling for. Revel in the self care you need and deserve right now. No more somedays. It’s your turn now, please take it. I will do the same. No more apologies. No more agreements that hurt us. It’s our time to heal for ourselves, for our parents and grandparents, for our loved ones, world community, for our children and their children. REVOLT. Love is revolution and Spring calls us home.
<3 Your Loyal Knight
Interested in Coaching?
Now is the time. Learn more by reading below or click here!
Spring Offer
$200 off Program or First Weekly Coaching Session Free
Choosing to work with me is making your wellbeing the priority.
This is why people hire a Health and Wellness Coach. It is making a commitment to identify and meet your core needs and getting the support to follow through, be successful and THRIVE, the way you deserve.
People come to me with many different main concerns.
It is whatever affects your health and wellness. You may want to look at relationships, or unhealthy relationship dynamics, (I have an unofficial PHD in healing from from narcissists and energy vampires. It is a game changer to learn how to be on the other side of this for good!) an unhappy job or work life balance, chronic illness or burn out. You may want to access your inner knowing, follow a call to creativity, purpose, entrepreneurship, etc, to improve your health, energy, clarity or emotional state. You may be ready to love and value yourself more.
Who I work with
I always say ‘my clients pick me, not the other way around’. They usually just know. If you resonate with me and want to reach out, please do so. Most of my clients identify as being spiritually inclined, sensitive, empathic and concerned for others. These super powers bring their own challenges that I am uniquely qualified to support you in.
What can you receive from Health and Wellness Coaching?
- Create your health and wellness vision through self-discovery, self-love, feeling emotions, tuning into your inner-healer, relaxation techniques, and goal setting.
- Discover your unmet needs that call for your love and attention.
- Take meaningful, incremental steps forward, learning how to coach yourself.
- Experience being the expert and CEO of your life. Inviting in supportive roles as needed, while embracing your inner guidance as the ultimate authority.
- Receive empathic and attuned listening, support, safe space and accountability.
"As my Health Coach, Erin has shown more compassion, intelligence, and integrity than I can express in a few sentences. They have created a space for me to learn a new approach to my physical and mental health. With their professional support and guidance, I have found new paths to my own truths." -E.M.
My Latest Blog
Two Wings: How Not Feeling My Pain
Kept Me Flightless
Gordon Neufeld
National Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach
Certified Integrative Health Coach
& Aka Your Loyal Knight
Why do I call myself Your Loyal Knight?
Because you are SOVEREIGN, the one true expert of your life, ROYAL. <3
MUD TO MAJESTY
Health and Wellness Coaching
for the New Paradigm
207-295-6768
Erin@mudtomajesty.com
We Shall All Be Saved In an Ocean Of Tears Gordon Neufeld | Erin Dolan, NBC-HWCNational Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach, Certified Integrative Health Coach & AKA Your Loyal Knight Categories |
In my twenties I had a handful of magical years. I tapped into the power of manifestation, participated in personal development seminars, became an Integrative Health Coach, reveled in inspiring community with sisterhood, art, nature, and a safe home! I came to understand I could create things. I learned how to take responsibility for my experience, waking up from the ‘life is happening to me’ victim mindset for the first time. The more I tapped into what I really wanted, what lit me up with joy and excitement, the more easily it was to align with those visions. It did not feel like work, all the actions it took to make my dreams happen. I had a youthful innocence. I was not awake to the level of childhood trauma that would eventually have to come out and be addressed. I had not yet attracted heartbreaking adult experiences from that trauma body; to mirror the pain of my childhood.
As I have shared in earlier blogs, my late twenties started my dark night. A series of traumatic events broke me. Everyone has trauma, some quite unthinkable, some so unconscious we are not even aware it was trauma. But one thing is for sure, trauma affects each of us differently. Not everyone gets lost and derailed. I had to love and forgive myself that I did, and accept coming back would be a journey.
In the broken years, and on my way back from them, I had a 'shadow career' in the restaurant industry. While unofficially it involved some of my deepest skills and core values, it was not the most healthy environment for me. I kept my dream of returning to Health and Wellness Coaching alive through part-time work, staying in touch with my school and more than anything, believing I would circle back to my dreams of making a difference the way my heart longed for; through coaching, speaking and writing.
Sometimes, when we are terrified of embracing our true calling, we’ll pursue a shadow calling instead. That shadow career is a metaphor for our real career.
Steven Pressfield
I was rose-colored when I left my last restaurant job, that I would jump back into the healing waters of my happy twenties, following my bliss right through every setback, making my vision board come to life a second time. Hec, I had done it before! And I am grateful to say that since I relaunched, I've had consistent, meaningful work with clients. But in terms of how hard it was going to be to get back into 'manifestation mode', boy was I naive! Something significant happened between my first flight into my dream vs. my second. I broke a wing. And flapping the broken wing in vain to just will my dream, desire it, manifest it, get excited about it (DAMMIT!), caused more harm than good. But I could not acknowledge or see the broken wing, or what it represented, let alone listen to it. It was in the way. The harder I tried to bypass it and fly anyways, the more I was actually 'efforting,' disconnected from and injuring myself.
In all my glorious stubbornness, I tried harder. I learned more about what it actually takes to be an entrepreneur, and rolled up my sleeves. I sweat. I was no-nonsense. I strategized and when that didn’t work, I re-strategized. In response, my body shut down more, my health waned…. a resistance inside me escalated that I distrustfully accused of being self-sabotage. ‘I am not trying hard enough!’ Well, this approach wasn’t the magic I used to know. I felt like magic had left me. I tried everything to woo her back. This coming back to my dream was feeling more like a complicated mess, stalled out, stuck, heavy, forced. Would I ever feel magic again?
As the universe so wisely brings us treasure in the places we suffer, (those wounds can be the very map to our healing and redemption if we let them), when I no longer felt capable or good about braking myself through walls as a strategy to move forward, I tried something else. I started to listen. I let myself see this broken wing. Focusing exclusively on magic and feeling good, or sheer entrepreneurial willpower, was insulting and cruel to this fractured wound.
I started to make this wing my priority. I stopped saying ‘you should be healed by now.’ Instead I let go. Then I reached for control. And then I let go. Repeat cycle. Again, again and again. It became a practice to let go and listen to my pain, turning towards it instead of away. It felt messy and unnerving, but it was better than body slamming through walls. Healers showed up instead of business connections. School showed up instead of teaching workshops. Grace had never left me, but the flow had entirely different plans than I 'thought' I had for myself. As always, Grace’s plan for me was infinitely more loving than mine, in this case my limited human demand of ‘returning to my old life or bust.’
Grace wanted me to heal. She wanted me to get to be a full human who matters right now, in my brokenness as much as wholeness. One who gets to take up space feeling what I never felt safe to feel. Grace filled me with healing and training opportunities I could not think to ask for in my limited Taurean-4-locked-hooves, stubborn approach. (Like astrology? Short lesson is Taurus = stubborn). New classmates enliven me with their courage to feel through their own wounds. In the safety and community of letting ourselves be real about what's hard, I release this store of stagnant energy every single time I give it a voice.
Sacred Vulnerability is the biggest strength I know.
The more I acknowledge and experience my broken wing, the more space I make inside where before was all that buried, unconscious pain. And don’t get me wrong, I have been ‘healing’ for years! But love knows all. Over-intellectualizing or exploring my narrative, trying to ‘fix’ myself, even excessive spiritual practice, is not the same as FEELING. I am unlearning spiritual, emotional and physical bypass. I am being with my feelings as they come to be released. This makes space again. It feels like the space I had in my youth to dream before I filled it up with the self protection of shattered trust.
In this space positive expectancy is a natural outcome. It's not forced and faked through the one dimensional laws of manifestation I clung to in my past. I am not resisting my pain. It moves like a river in me. A river is life, it brings me to hope and joy as naturally as sadness, anger and fear. I don’t have to fight the negativity anymore. I don’t have to treat any one part of myself as ‘in the way’. My authentic experience is the way. I am learning how to let go and surrender to this river.
My broken wing will heal in her time. It's not when I am yelling to hurry up, that is self abuse. I apologize for trying to leave her in the shadows. Her pain is the very path to my wholeness. She is my wholeness. And finally, stubborn horns pulled out from the walls of my recent past, I let my Higher Self reorder how my journey unfolds. I throw the outdated need to control, hustle, or try to be good enough away.
Spirit has been right here all along. This is my miraculous path, it's what is actually happening. It leads to full recovery and wellbeing, as I stop wrestling, denying my feelings or thinking the plans in my head are far superior. Grace never stopped coming for me. I am just done blocking it.
Love never stopped helping me with the easiest path back to itself.
I can say wholeheartedly, the foundation dreams are built on is a many factored thing. And yes, I still believe in the power of manifestation, a positive mindset and exalted emotions. But without the other wing, that focus can do more harm than good. For me, I affectionally call the balance I needed to restore, Two Wings. I need all of me, including the broken, forsaken, grieving and despaired, in order to come back to life and fly. I need to be with the full weight of my heartbreak. In the wake of resistance towards my pain, light and spaciousness can enter. I receive the FEELING of loving myself (and therefore others, life and my dreams) FULLY.
Let's love with every feather, feeling and prayer.
I’ll see you on the way home,
Love Erin
My Winter Musings About Healing, Slowing Down, and Appreciating How Far We’ve Come | AuthorERIN DOLAN, NBC-HWC National Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach, Certified Integrative Health Coach & AKA Your Loyal Knight Categories |
I have an odd confession to make. Winter is my favorite. Sure, the lack of warmth, sun and access to the world (for much bigger reasons than winter alone,) challenges and affects me too. But I find the stillness, quiet and overwhelming beauty to be a relief for my highly sensitive nature. Having an entire season beckon me to go within is a happy (if not easy) invitation! Hibernation is biological after all, even if our society does not respect slowing down. Our bodies do. Boy will my body force me to stop if I push too hard. I learned that lesson the hard way at first. But slowing down has become a core value over the years. ‘Less is more’. It’s been healing to be present to what is actually happening, instead of fighting it or planning the next moment. This includes accepting my emotions and physicality. It’s been healing to release resistance and denial, one moment at a time.
Being present allows me to receive. The flicker of a solitary candle in the dusk, a small rose bush in bloom on my counter, the hums of white noise in my home, the smell of sage and essential oils I love so much. It’s the precious little things these days. It’s the gratitude of being loved and cared for by others and the honor of others allowing me to love and care for them. Perhaps most awe inspiring of all, in glimpses of awareness like the sun breaking through clouds, I realize I am held by the universe. I can actually feel being held beyond what I can comprehend. I forget again still. But then I remember. ;-)
For anyone committed to self growth and healing, you know it can be one step forward and two steps back, sometimes. It can be crazy-making, ‘I thought I already did this’, ‘not this lesson again!’ exasperated at blank soil where I was sure I toiled and labored, planting many new seeds in the ground. Is anything working? It can be easy, especially for those highly sensitive, ambitious and god forbid perfectionistic, (I don’t know anything about that) to not see how far we’ve come, to not give ourselves credit for the smallest victories. It’s the daily choices that transform our lives over time. It’s the baby step you took today that you could not take yesterday.
When is the last time you truly stepped back and acknowledged how far you’ve come?
Or at the very least, acknowledged your wins today?
I see you bringing more love and growth to your life, one seed at a time.
My ability to feel safe in the present moment, safe in my body, and connected to a benevolent universe was not something that happened overnight! It’s still a daily commitment to grow and heal. I get down on my knees in the dirt. But when I think back to where I was five or ten years ago, I have a whole universe to be grateful for. And, I should be grateful for myself. I did not let fear, darkness, or trauma keep me prisoner. I did not let others tell me ‘it’s not possible.’ I kept my dreams alive. Some are still seeds in the earth, but my dreaming heart beats inside of them, undeterred (even when I am!) I am more free than I could’ve imagined all those years ago. And I have plenty more freedom to fight for. <3
Thank you for reading my newsletter and for following my work. It means a lot to me. Every person who has tuned in, I appreciate you deeply. I hope that I can be a source of support, and a mirror to your beauty, your worth, and your sacred journey. I believe from the bottom of my heart, we are all so wise and needed, each in our authentic self. This winter I wish for you a chance to slow down, to appreciate how you really feel about things, to receive as best you can in the moment, and to give yourself credit for every new seed you plant.
See how far you’ve come. You deserve to revel in your courage and perseverance. You deserve credit for showing up every day in the desire to heal and grow. That takes something extraordinary. We can each and everyone of us, write a book. You know what you have been through. You know how much it took and still takes. And here you are. I bow to you brothers and sisters.
Erin
Erin Dolan, NBC-HWC, National Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach
Certified Integrative Health Coach & AKA Your Loyal Knight
Why do I call myself Your Loyal Knight?
Because you dear, are SOVEREIGN and the one true expert of your life. <3
MUD TO MAJESTY
Coaching for the New Paradigm
207-295-6768
erin@mudtomajesty.com
What It Means to be a Guide and How I can Help | AuthorERIN DOLAN, NBC-HWC Archives March 2022 |
It takes courage to let go of the old paradigm of fear, lack, and 'reason'. We are tapping into a deeper, personal, more profound sense of truth. If you are a wayshower you know what I am talking about. You have always known. You may not have always trusted or believed it, but you have always felt the truth inside you. I see you here.
You, the conscious and kindhearted (you go by many names), were born with open hearts, deep sensitivity, empathy, creativity, and brilliant minds. You were born with ALL the lights on! And I know all too well that is not easy in this world.
Some signs of being a wayshower: You have suffered deeply. You have a Phoenix soul and are meant to rise, maybe many times over! You have a wisdom to offer that's well beyond your years on earth. You emanate a healing energy even in your darkest hour. The status quo doesn't work for you. You can't tolerate being out of alignment with your inner guidance. You can't stand negative, fear-based systems, structures, relationships, or commitments. You may lose your ability to function, such as becoming sick or depressed, if you stay out of alignment too long. Because your Spirit won't let you continue at the expense of your heart and soul.
You feel the devastating weight
of what's NOT right for you
in every cell of your being
My calling is to help wayshowers trust your inner knowing. I help validate your pain and how crazy-making the paradigm shift is. It is not easy to be a Phoenix soul! I help you get in touch with what is calling you. We focus on your inherent gifts, longings, wisdom, intuition, and your other unique and awesome wayshower superpowers. Your true abilities are your life blood. They are designed to bring you back to life. I can help you open up to who you really are, for your sake. You deserve the health, energy, wellbeing, PEACE, and JOY of being fully aligned with love. If you are interested in working with me check out my coaching page.
You are here to LEAD. You came here for a reason. We need your open heart and soul to set an example. Your peace will help everyone around you. You uplift them with your energy when you are focused on your healing. You radiate love. Your love is a vibration and frequency that is desperately needed.
When you answer the call of your true purpose you help all of us. Nobody else can do you or be you. We need you to give your unique gifts to this world. We need you to be well. You matter. Your wellbeing matters. Love is the Revolution. This is how we show-the-way.
Take your place like a star in the sky,
sky not complete without your light.
Help all the stars around you,
radiate and end this night.
The Quickening, Holiday Offer, Sensitives, & a Dream Come True; Training With Dr. Gabor MateHello Everyone! | AuthorERIN DOLAN, NBC-HWC Archives December 2021 |
Growth is messy. Old perspectives, emotions, commitments, ways of life, may need to be fully faced, felt and reckoned with for the new and vital to enter. This month can be a great time to reflect on what’s not working, grieve and release it. We are entering the ‘Quickening’ a time predicted of rapid and healing transformation. We are waking up but that is not easy. The Quickening is asking a lot of us, especially in the dying to the old chapter. Let the river move through you angel, it will not hurt you. It does not feel like it, but this is a healing. And in each new space light can fill you. The New Paradigm will give back to you, I promise. We are beings of love. We are made to receive. By loving and being responsible for ourselves, by doing our inner work to heal, we also love and heal each other.
And to my deep divers among you; the wayshowers, sensitives, empaths, kind-hearted, old souls, etc. Life may be particularly crazy, difficult, hard to trust, scattered, slow/sped up, just A LOT. You are a guide and our guides need to be ready. The healing and waking up process for guides is being accelerated to an unprecedented degree. Wayshowers look all kinds of different. But the one thing we have in common is our capacity to love. We hold that energy of love inside the storm that is our world’s current reality. You will be holding out your hands for all those beginning their conscious healing journey. You will stand next to them and they will start to heal. Our groundedness in love will help them feel their own heart and soul, and thus way-showing our communities how to take refuge in their own light.
For me, I am being asked to confront, heal, and love every forsaken place within me. And it is paying off. Those of you who know me well understand my passion about healing from trauma. I find no healing modality is complete without addressing core traumas, each in a qualified and ethical manner for that modality. As an Integrative Health Coach, I help my clients get to the roots of where they’re stuck and help them feel difficult emotions as a way to move forward. But I have wanted to go deeper, to support my clients in addressing their core traumas. Spirit heard me and then some, that is for sure!
In 2022 I will be taking Dr. Gabor Mate’s year long intensive training for practitioners called Compassionate Inquiry. “Compassionate Inquiry gently uncovers and releases childhood trauma, constriction and suppressed emotion embedded in the body, that are the root of illness and addiction.” Personally his work has transformed my life, everything from understanding the cancer personality and the cost of putting other people first to the point I got sick, the unintended consequence of spiritual bypassing emotions through years of spiritual practice, focus and influence, and my ADHD actually being a form of trauma! I mean the creative side of me I will keep, but let’s harness these fireworks just a little. ;-). Hahaha!
So I will end this newsletter with a calling in. I am looking for a handful of clients in 2022 who I am meant to support in this transformative time for you and me. I see you: spiritually-inclined sensitives, survivors, healers, kind-hearted, and wayshowers. I want to be in your corner in this time of acceleration, healing and release. I want to support you in calling in exactly what you need in your life, to have your needs met, and stand tall as the light you truly are. If you are interested in my 4 Month Coaching Program, book a free consultation here or read more about my program here. I am scheduling new bookings in January. If you book a consultation before December 31, 2021, we can schedule that session in January, and I will offer you $400 off my program. I still believe in Santa. Hehe. <3
Happy New Year. This year is yours.
<3 Your Loyal Knight
For the deep feelers: | AuthorERIN DOLAN, NBC-HWC Archives |
Then life happened, it chipped away at, or downright bulldozed and destroyed, my innocence. My propensity to trust others and believe what they said, caught up with me. The sad thing is, the people who hurt me- the ones who were truly toxic, manipulative and in rare cases abusive, were just a small few out of so many people. But in the aftermath of my vulnerability being used against me, you would think the whole world screwed me.
It is human is to lose innocence and put armor on. The ego (protective self,) it’s whole job is to keep us safe. We all have to grow up and learn how to do that. It is healthy to be discerning. That was one of life’s biggest lessons for me: who to trust? But I went to the other extreme. I stopped trusting anyone. I built the world’s best armor to compensate for not having any protection in my naive youth. I wore armor, hid in a fortress and built a mote around it! Anything to end the ‘getting the shit kicked out of me years.’
I did not see my life had become pure self protection. I certainly did not see it had taken over my life! Perhaps, I was not really living at all. In working with other survivors I started to put it together for myself. ‘Playing it safe’ really felt like the true way to heal. How could it not be after being knocked down one too many times? I was planning a workshop at a Domestic Violence Center with a clinician there and wanted the topic to be ‘trusting our intuition.’ She cautioned me not to use that theme. She used the example of how a survivor may hear a strong internal voice ‘it is not safe to go outside,’ even long after the threats are gone. That voice will seem like intuition to them, so the workshop could be upsetting. In that moment, quite humbly, I saw myself.
I thought my protective self
was my intuition for a long time.
The irony is, my protective self did save me. It was my rescuer. I had a lot of catching up to do in learning who NOT to trust, NOT to open up my heart to. My protective self pulled me back from the brink in adulthood, much like it is rescued me in childhood. It saved me. It was trying to help me and it did. But it was not my true self, or the intuition so generated from my heart and soul. My protective self was working overtime to keep my heart and soul buried- ‘for my own safety.’ ‘Not until you are ready’ ‘not until you are healed’ and all the other rationalizations getting more clever with each passing day.
I am not lost on the irony. My protective self became my prison keeper; my rescuer started and ended my recovery. I had to negotiate my release. Then came the internal war. It was no longer about anyone else. My rescuer was killing me in a slow and painful death. It was taking away my freedom, the true me - just a dopey puppy who wants to love everyone- piece by piece. It was turning my life into a mechanical, logical, lifeless, bunker zone. ‘Stay safe, build yourself up, get ahead.’ The one who saved me was now pulling me into darkness.
I started to become scared of everything; eating the right foods, saying the right things, heal and do inner work on a protect-yourself-from-pain conveyer belt, stand guard on a 24/7 people-with-narcissistic-personality-disorder lookout, all the while making that innocent survivor mistake the clinician explained to me, thinking the deep conviction in my (traumatized) cells was my intuition.
After I realized my protective self took over my life, I had to come to terms with the loss of all that time in hiding. Coming back has been a process. My rescuer did not want to release me! Healing only worked when I had compassion for my whole experience. Honestly, it has been messy. I had to understand the different players in me, survival instincts intertwined with beams of holy light, intertwined with lies, detours, and some old fairy dust. I had to love the struggle itself. I say to myself 'of course you don’t want to come back after what happened to you. What happened was horrible. But it is not happening now. I promise. Let’s take it step by step. And, I am listening to ALL of how you feel.'
I had to love, not resist or make wrong,
the part of me that refused love.
But I also had to see it for what it was,
armor that was costing me everything.
In my favorite place, in private communion with another safe soul - be it friend, family, helper or one of my beloved clients, my heart was back. That is maybe the one place I never left. It was up to it’s old self like no time had passed, in all of it’s gory; human, vulnerable and unscripted. My heart gets bigger everyday. Each heartfelt conversation and connection melts the armor away.
The biggest shifts have been through internal work. It has been how I talk to myself, stay aware of the internal players and observe who is trying to drive. The all-out-war became a power struggle, became a tense but improving truce, as I honor the internal soldier. I say to them, 'Thank you for saving me, and trying to save me still. You don't have to save me anymore. We are ok now. You can help me stay safe, you can help me discern who to trust. But you are not responsible for me anymore. You can let go'. Much to my amazement they are finally starting to believe me! My entire inner being shifts in response. I feel a wave of peace. I can rest into my body and feel RELIEF! As the internal soldier lets go the armor drops. Then I feel my heart. Every single time this happens is a tremendous victory for me. I know eventually it won't be as much work, it will be normal to FEEL safety, love and true freedom, not just understand it.
It’s coming together now. I feel like my old self, only the new and improved, veteran version. I would not go back to before it all fell apart. I like being smarter! And hec did I ever earn wisdom from experience. Now I have a healthy internal guard on standby who is actually becoming my friend. We are working it out. One thing is for sure, I am kicking the crappy old armor to the curb. It can sink to the bottom of the mote on my way out of the fortress. No more keeping the good stuff out. I feel the sun and rain in equal measure. I feel my heart, soul and JOY even, as well as the pain, uncertainty, fear, rage, grief, humanity, unknown, and my heart beating fast. I am feeling all of it. It’s not just a concept while staying numb and separate. So back to my superpower, this means being vulnerable. I got this. I am letting people see me! I am letting people in, letting them love me. It makes me hyper! It makes me nervous too, but it's the good kind of nervous. Here I am in all my imperfections, wounds, scars, mistakes and insecurities; here I am in all this mess (ME, LOL.)
I let love in.
Ps. I would love to hear your comments below! I love solidarity, connecting and learning about what resonates! Could you relate to this blog? I would love to hear what your own process has been like, letting love in. <3